Dear me,

I think I hate you, more and more.  And I become disappoited at you, more and more.  You are not that kind of person before.  You are not cynical.  You are not jealous.  You are optimistic.  You have a heart to try everything.  You always want to be better.  You love people.

But now, what?  What happened to you, dear?

You seem really lost.  You don’t know who you are any more.  I know you always want to be true, to be the true you, to be the real you.  But you are stuck, in such a  society and environment.  You choose to be silent, to hide the real you, to make every effort to follow the majority, which is obviously not you desire, but you must.  You make a choice that you don’t want, so you become anxious, angry, you sometimes feel a hole in your heart, so you do a lot of useless things to fill the hole—alcohole, reckless spending, staying up, sleeping…..You deeply know, none of them will help,and you’re just seeking a comfort to make you feel better.  But what you will do after all those things?

You have no specific goals.  You worry about your future.  Is there anyone who doesn’t?  I don’t know.  I thought I was a good student, I thought if I studied well, the bright future would come easily.  Wrong again.  The fact is not.  There are people better than you in ways more than you think.  They come from good families and have good education background.  You begin to complain, why not me?  Why don’t you come from a wealth family, thus you have much more chances than you do now.  Luckily, you never blame your parents, you know how much they devote to nuture you----almost their whole life.  So again, you chose to be silent, to take all those pressure yourself, not to tell anymore your pain and hunger.  

Dear, I know your dream---To work in different places, to do different jobs, to teach in the mountain area in Western China, to be a writer, to sing in a bar, to be a waiter, to be an artist, you don’t care the money, you care the quality of life.  Again, you hide these in your heart, you tell yourself, no, don’t be so romantic, be realistic.  Your parents sacrifice so many things, you need to treat them well, guarantee them a happy life.  What a conflict between dream and reality!

And also a conflict between what you want and what you want to do!  You want a ordinary life, sometimes you dream a extraordinary one.  You want to become rich, then you can travel the world, maybe give some to the poor people.  You want to be the center, the wind, and the target that other envy you.

I hate you.  I hate you take too much seriously on others’ opinions about you.   You care too much that others’gossip.  Don’t you know you will be never happy if you keep doing this?  You live for yourself, not for them.  You should say FUCK OFF to them and be strangers forever.  Happy for yourself, dear.

Oh, me.  I hope you really to understand yourself, and have a good life, no matter what you will encounter in the future.  Please follow your heart, or you should be shut up and lead a ordinary life just like others.