Tomorrow my husband is going to have a surgery which may cure him, or may not. Nobody could give us a confirmative answer. “It’s all up to you.” The doctor said. However, do we really have any other options?

In the past six month, we visited 6 hospitals, consulted about a dozen of doctors and tried almost all the treatments except the surgery—which most of the doctors don’t suggest, but now it seems to be the last straw for us to clutch at.

For God sake, having a slipped disc (锥尖盘突出) doesn’t necessarily mean you have some serious, deadly disease. However, nobody could give us an explanation why he still couldn’t walk, sit longer than 20 minutes. If there was any sign of recovery, we would not make this decision. However, he has stayed where he is for several months, even when all his MRI, CT tests suggest quite the opposite.

Pressures keep mounting up. I can’t help but wonder: would it be different if he tried harder? That doubts almost eat me alive. Just a couple of days ago, I was diagnosed as nephritis and the doctor suggested 15-day intravenous infusion. I made it 5 days—the longest time allowed for me to be sick. There was a fire in my heart. I want to prove that if you got spirit, you won’t be defeated by disease and you could make a miracle. That’s why I got off the bed even when I was running a fever at 39 degree Celsius and why I forced myself to finish my study when my temperature was as high as 40 degrees. It’s stupid, and I know it.

It is like a vicious circle, every time hope raises up with each treatment, but only more disappointments and pains follows. I dare not to think about the future now. What would happen next? What the fate has stored in for us?