I came out of the hospital, yes, I came out of the hospital again. I didn’t how many times I went in and out of it this year, I lost count. I guess, this times it’s the last straw and I might not able to handle it.

Still I sent my son to his weekend school, and I finished daily learning at a teahouse. 

That’s the only way to diverse my attentions, and I needed that—diversion.

There was a hospital admission certificate in my pocket. It’s so damn heavy. “Nerve Deafness” on it seemed to have poisonous sting and was like jumping out of the paper to bite me the very next minute. 

The doctor said I need to be in hospital for four days’ treatment. Drug won’t help so hospital admission became necessary. I didn’t know what to do. 

My mum called. She was worried when she checked my son’s GPS and found that we were in hospital. She said she could get my son to her home during that time. And she also suggested that I breath deeply to fix it. 

It didn’t make me feel better. It made me feel silly because I was worried about something that could be fixed by deep breath. And I was also not sure it was a good idea to send my son to mom’s home. With final exam coming, my son needs discipline and supervisor, my mum would be the least person to provide that. So I hung up the phone. 

I also hung up my husband’s phone. I need some time to breath, to pretend that I was totally Okay with that. 

After arriving home, mess in the kitchen and a giant couch potato. After sending my son to bed, I collapsed. 

My husband tried to comfort me, I guess he really tried but all his efforts backfired. He tried to tell me that it was not a big deal, he was much worsen but he got it through, and I should not stress myself with learning, and I had no life at all, I should learn to relax. 

I didn’t feel better and I felt worse. Because every word he said was telling me what a loser I am. And then he lost his temper: “I just felt a little better and you got to ruin this! What do you want me to do? Okay, its all my fault. Do you need me to kill myself to apologize?”

I rushed out of the door. It’s childish, it’s so not grown-up. But so what? 

It was chilly outside. How strange, for a person who is going deaf, the world is so noisy. Nothing has left except the drumming in the ear. What would happen, if one day everything else is drowning in that noise?

It was scary. Why shouldn’t I be entitled to be scared? 

What do I need? A hug, a warm hug, without a word, without any judgment and comment, a hug to silence that noise in the ear—that’s enough.

Was I asking too much?