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Radiation Part 1

Hot 1715 views. 2021-2-8 13:43 |Individual Classification:C dairy

I got a reward for being the best writer in our group, even I haven’t written a single word for more than one month.

 

It’s so tempting to quit, but, always a but, it’s time to go back to the game.

 

I have an almost perfect excuse: my radiation therapy hit me really hard. I had thought that my situation couldn’t be worse, I mean after going through all of these, the chemo, the surgery and I should be immune to any kind of pains, but instead it seemed to be intensifying and there would always be something worse, with new symptoms, new sufferings being thrown at me just as I thought I had a handle on the old ones.  

 

There’s nothing new about the fatigue, the running stomach, and nauseas. But besides these, there is a funny taste in my mouth all the time. It makes the best food in the world taste like rubber. And my stomach has become my worst enemy. You can’t image what it would be like if two opposite sensations—the nagging hunger and the sickness of being over-fed, could both exist, congealing in my stomach, torturing me.

 

Under such situation, I couldn’t concentrate on anything else.

 

Writing was supposed to be a welcome distraction, however, it stopped to work this time. I guess I kind of resent this fact, and I simply stop trying. I spent most of time lying in bed, in junk novels, in stupid TV programs. I felt like a stinky fish, rotting inside out, piece by piece, little by little.

 

However, every night, no matter how exhausted I felt, I still needed to pull myself together, dragged myself to the hospital and walked into that damn thick door. Get stripped, lie down, and be pinned down on that torturous table.

 

Sometimes I would imagine, maybe one day I would mutate, like the spiderman who absorbing too much deadly radiations, and I would also have super power—healing, definitely I want super-healing power, so I could fix myself and everyone else outside that damn door, including that 22-year-old boy who suffering from colorectal cancer.

 

That’s purely crazy illusion. But in that illusion, I don’t feel like a rotten fish. I am still a human, whole and secure.

Post comment Comment (3 replies)

Reply Dempsey 2021-2-12 15:11
I have the empathy for you because I am also bad in health. Wish we can be friends via English writing in which you are so excellent for me to learn from. Happiness brings no less than health, and we create all for each other!
Reply Dempsey 2021-2-12 21:31
I really pray for your health. You deserve an everlasting life, only bacause you are cherished by kindness and compelling the aweful. I have been sick for more than ten years, and never broken from not a bit of anguish. For too many times it means only worse when the better must end, because I have what is so-doomed the bipolar disorder. But I love life extremely, and I live urgently in the boost, while enduringly in the depression. I don't know how you've been for the lattest, but I earnestly long for our contact so that we can help each other, especially that I help you, out of my every instant nature against any sadness that can occur. I know in person, truly I know it, the way to be turned down more or less by affirmatively sanguine prospects, since it is shared the experience of we together. The abominable illness will forsake us because we are distaste for it. Bless you over the world!
Reply bluephoebe 2021-3-2 11:36
Dempsey: I really pray for your health. You deserve an everlasting life, only bacause you are cherished by kindness and compelling the aweful. I have been sick ...
I'm deeply touched by your words. I don't know you in person, but from your words i can tell you are brave and kind, you love life--sometimes i think it's just so unfair. Why us? But noone would give us an answer, bitch things just happen. I've been sick for more than two years. The worst part is not the brutality of the disease, but the fact that it will never go. Even you win this time, you just drive it into some dark corner, hiding, luring, and might jump at you when you least expected it. You have to learn to live with it. There is never an end. I won't say i'm totally understand how you feel, i was depressed before, and my husband suffers from severe anxiety. So, it's safe to say i know, to some degree, what you have gone through for the last ten years. I pray for us, wish one day miracle would happen and all the sufferings and pains would gone. No matter what, we should and must hold on to the hope. It's not easy. Of course, i am beyond happy to meet you here. You know, writing helps for me. It offers a sort of outlet and put things off my mind. Anyway, good luck. Just like you said, let's help each other and toughen us for whatever in store for us.

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