我们在热那亚和罗马的向导
Our Guide In Genoa And Rome
Mark Twain
European guides know about enough English to tangle ev erything up so that a man can make neiter head nor tail of it．They know their story by heart，—the history of every stat ue，painting， cathedral，or other wonder they show you．They know it and tell it as a parrot would， and if you interrupt, and throw them off the track， they have to go back and begi nover again．All their lives long, they are employed in showing strange things to foreigners and listening to their bursts of admiration．
It Is human nature to take delight in exciting admiration．It is what prompts children to say "smart" things, ad do absurd ones，and in other ways "show off" when company is pre sent．It is what makes gossips turn out in rain and storm to goand be the first to tell a startling bit of news．Think, then, what a passion it becomes with a guide, whose privilege it is，every day, to show to strangers wonders thst throw them intoperfect ecstasies of admiration! He gets so that he could not byany possibility live in a soberer atmosphere．
After we discovered this, we never went into ecstasies anymore, we never admired anything, we never showed any but impassible faces and stupid indifference in the presence ofthe subli mest wonders a guide had to display． We had found their weak point． We have made good use of it ever since．We have made some of those people savage, at times, but we have never lost our serenity．
The doctor asks the questions generally，because he can keep his countenance, and look more like an inspired idiot, and throw more imbecility into the tone of his voice than any man that lives． It comes natural to him．
The guides in Genoa are delighted to secure an American party， because Americans so much wonder， and deal so muchin sentiment and emotion before any relic of Columbus． Our guide there fidgeted about as if he had swallowed a spring mat tress． He was full of animation，—full of impatience．He said：—
"Come wis me，genteel men! —come! I show you ze let ter writing by Christopher Colombo！—write it himself！—write it wis his own hand！—come!"
He took us to the municipal palace． After much impres sive fumbling of keys and opening of locks, the stained andaged document was spread before us． The guide's eyes sparkled． He danced about us and tapped the parchment with 193 his finger:—
"What I tell you, genteel men! Is it not so? See! handwriting Christopher Colombo! — write it himself!"
We looked indifferent,—unconcerned． The doctor ex amined the document very deliberately, during a painful pause．Then he said, without any show of interest,"Ah, Ferguson, what what did you say was then ame of the party who wrote this?"
"Christopher Colombo！ ze great Christ opber Colombo!"
Another deliberate examination．
"Ah,—did he write it himself, or—or how?"
"He write it himself! — Christopher Colombo! He's ownhandwriting, write by himself!"
Then the doctor laid the document down and said， “Why，I have seen boys in America only fourteen year sold that could write better man that．”
“But zis is ze great Christo—”
“I don't care who it is！ It's the worst writing I ever saw．Now you mustn't think you can impose on us because we ares trangers．We are not fools，by a good deal． If you have gotany specimens of penmanship of real merit， trot them out！—and if you haven't， drive on！”
We drove on．The guide was considerably shaken up， buthe made one more venture． He had something which he thought would overcome us． He said，—
“Ah，genteel men， you come wis me！ I show you beauti ful， O，magnificent bust Christopher Colombo！—splendid，grand，magnificent！”
He brought us before the beautiful bust，—for it was beautiful，—and sprang back and struck an attitude：—
“Ah，look， genteelmen！— beautiful， grand，— bustChristopher Colombo！ beautiful bust， beautiful pedestal！”
The doctor put up his eyeglass，— procured for such oc casions：—
“Ah，—what did you say this gentleman's name was？
“Christopher Colombo！ ze great Christopher Colombo！”
“Christopher Colombo，— the great Christopher Colom bo． Well， what did he do？”
“Discover America！— discover America，O， ze devil！”
“Discover America．No，—that statement will hardly wash． We are just from America ourselves． We heard nothing about it． Christopher Colombo，— pleasant name，—is—ishe dead？”
“O， corpo di Baccho！— three hundred year！”
“What did he die of？”
“I do not know． I cannot tell．”
“Smallpox，think？”
“I do not know，genteel men，— I do not know what hedie of．”
“Measles，likely？”
“Maybe，— maybe． I do not know，— I think he die of some things．”
“Parents living？”
“Im—posseeble！”
“Ah，— winch is the bust and which is the pedestal？”
“Santa Maria！— zis ze bust！— zis ze pedestal！”
“Ah，I see，I see，—happy combination，—very happy combination indeed． Is—is this the first time this gentle manwas ever on a bust？”
That joke was lost on the foreigner，— guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke．
We have made it interesting for this Roman guide． Yes terday we spent three or four hours in the Vatican again，that wonderful world of curiosities． We came very near expressing interest sometimes， even admiration． It was hard to keep fromit． We succeeded， though． Nobody else ever did， in the Vati can museums．The guide was bewildered，non plussed． He walk6d his legs off，nearly， hunting up extraordinary things，and exhausted all his ingenuity on us， but it was a failure；we never showed any interest in anything． He had reserved what he considered to be his greatest wonder till the last，—a royal Egyptian mummy， the best preserved in the world， perhaps．He took us there． He felt so sure， this time， that some of his old enthusiasm came back to him：—
“See，genteel man！— Mummy！ Mummy！”
The eyeglass came up as calmly， as deliberately as ever．
“Ah，—Fer gusoh，— what did I understand you to say the gentleman's name was？
“Name？— he got no name！ Mummy！—’Gyp tian mum my！”
“Yes，yes．Born here？”
“No．’Gy ptian mummy．”
“Ah， just so． Frenchman， I presume？”
“No！—not Frenchman，not Roman！—born in Egyp ta！”
“Born in Egypta． Never heard of Egypta before．Foreign locality， likely． Mummy，—mummy． How calm he is，howself possessed！Is—ah！—is he dead？”
“O， sacre bleu！been dead three thous an’ year！”
The doctor turned on him savagely：—
“Here， now， what do you mean by such conduct as this？Playing us for China men because we are strangers and trying tolearn！Trying to impose your vile secondhand carcasses on us！Thunder and lightning！ I've a notion to— to—If you've go ta nice fresh corpse， fetch him out！— or，by George， we'll brain you！”
We make it exceedingly interesting for this Frenchman．However，he has paid us back，partly，without knowing it．He came to the hotel this morning to ask if we were up， and heende avored， as well as he could， to describe us， so that thelandlord would know which persons he meant． He finished with the casual remark that we were lunatics． The observation was so innocent and so honest that it amounted to a very good thing for a guide to say．
Our Roman Ferguson is the most patient， unsuspecting，long suffering subject we have had yet． We shall be sorry to part with him． We have enjoyed his society very much．We trust he has enjoyed ours，but we are harassed with doubts．
98．我们在热那亚和罗马的向导
马克·吐温
欧洲向导都懂得点英国话，刚好能把一切搅得乱七八糟， 弄得人家摸不到头脑。那套故事——那套用来指点人家参观 雕塑、绘画、大教堂等类名胜奇迹的掌故，他们都背熟了。什 么都晓得，就像鹦哥一样学说出来——如果给人家一打岔，把 话岔到题外，他们就得回过头来，重新说起。他们专门雇来给 参观奇珍异宝的外国人当向导，听客人赞美几句。好听上劲 儿的赞美是人之常情。正是因为这个道理，孩子才会当着人 面说些“俏皮”话，干些荒唐事，才会想其它法子“卖弄”一 下。正是因为这个道理，碎嘴子才会冒着狂风暴雨出去，抢先 说件耸人听闻的消息。向导的特权就是天天指点外邦人看看 名胜古迹，博得人家欣喜若狂的大事赞美，那么，请想一想，他怎会不渴望人家这么赞美几声呵！他听惯了赞美，所以碰到人家稍为冷淡，他就绝对受不了。我们发现这点以后，每当向导领我们到什么伟大壮丽的名胜面前，我们就再也不欣喜若狂，对什么再也不加赞美，只装出一副无动于衷的脸色，傻里傻气地漠不关心。我们找到他们的弱点了，就此大大利用，时时惹得有些向导火冒三丈，可我们倒始终心平气和。
通常都由医生提问题，因为他能不动声色，看来比天下任何人都像个通灵白痴，说话的声调也比任何人都透着傻气。这在他身上倒是浑然天生。
热那亚的向导专爱招揽美国人的旅行团，因为美国人面对哥伦布的遗迹，总是惊讶万分，总是感慨多端，热情奔放。我们那个向导可坐不定，立不安，活像吞了个弹簧垫子。他浑身是劲，满心焦急。他说：
“肯我来，各位宪生——来！我给你们看克利斯朵夫·哥郎波写得信！——亲自写得！——亲手写得！——来！”
他把我们带到市政厅。拼命掏了那么多回钥匙，开了那么多道锁，那封污秽的古老文件终于摊在我们面前。向导眼睛闪闪发光。他在我们身边跳来蹦去，手指弹弹那张羊皮纸：
“瞧我说的，各位宪生！可不是？瞧！克利斯朵夫·哥郎波亲笔——亲自写得！”
我们脸色冷峻，漠不关心。在这段令人难熬的冷场中，医生不慌不忙地把这文件研究了一番。看后丝毫不表兴趣地说：
“啊——福开森——你——你—一你刚说写这玩艺的家伙叫什么名字来的？”
“克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！伟大的克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！”199
又不慌不忙地研究了一通。
“啊——是他亲自写的，还是——还是怎么的？”
“他亲自写得——克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！他亲笔字，亲自写得！”
于是医生放下那文件说：
“唉，在美国我看到过，十四岁小孩写的字，也比这高明得多呢。”
“可则是伟大的克利斯朵——”
“我不管他是谁！我还是头一次见到这么糟的书法呢。你可别想哄我们外邦人。我们绝对不是傻瓜。你要有什么货真价实的墨宝，就拿出来看看！——要没有，那就赶车吧！”
我们就赶车走了。向导给大大奚落了一顿，可他还是豁着再试一下。他有套法宝，自以为能说服我们。他说：
“啊，各位宪生！肯我来吧！我给你们看看漂亮的，喔，壮严的克利斯朵夫·哥郎波胸像！——又雄伟，又神气，又壮严！”
他把我们带到那座漂亮的胸像跟前——因为这确是漂亮——就一箭步跳开，装模作样地说：
“啊，瞧，各位宪生！——真漂亮，真神气，——克利斯朵夫·哥郎波胸像！——多漂亮的胸像，多漂亮的座子！”
医生戴上了单眼镜——是特地为派这用场才买的：
“啊——你刚说这位先生叫什么来的？”
“克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！——伟大的克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！”
“克利斯朵夫·哥郎波——伟大的克利斯朵夫·哥郎波。呃，他是干什么的？”
“发见美洲！——发见美洲，喔，滑见鬼！”
“发见美洲。不——那话简直靠不住。我们就是刚从美洲来的。我们可没听说过。克利斯朵夫·哥郎波——名字倒好听——他——他死了吗？”
“喔，活见鬼！——三百年啦！”
“他怎么死的？”
“我不知道！——我说不上。”
“想来是出天花吧？”
“我不知道，各位宪生！——我不知道他怎么死得！”
“大概出痧子吧？”
“恐怕是的——恐怕是的——我不知道——我看他总是得什么病死得。”
“父母还活着吗？”
“不——苦能！”
“啊——哪是胸像，哪是座子？”
“天呐！——则系胸像！——则系座子！”
“啊，有数了，有数了——配得妙——实在配得妙透。这——这位先生是不是头一回在胸像上？”
外国人可不懂那种笑话——向导对美国式笑话的妙处可领会不了。
我们弄得这罗马向导啼笑皆非。昨天我们又到梵蒂冈，在那座稀世珍品的宝库中消磨了三四个钟头。我们往往忍不住流露出感兴趣的神情，甚至流露出欣赏的眼光，这可很难熬住，但到底熬住了。因为在梵蒂冈博物馆里，可没人不感兴趣的。向导真弄糊涂了——不知怎么办是好。他到处猎取奇珍异宝，差点跑断了腿，把全部聪明都用在我们身上，可就是无济于事；我们对任何东西都不流露任何兴趣。直到最后，他才把自以为最神奇的东西搬出来——一具埃及皇族的木乃伊，也许是世界上保存得最好的一具吧。他把我们带到那儿。这回，他信心十足，原来那副热情多少又恢复了：
“瞧，各位宪生！——木乃伊！木乃伊！”
医生照旧平心静气、不慌不忙地戴上单眼镜。
“啊，——福开森——我刚听你说这位先生叫什么名字来的？”
“名字？——他没名字！——木乃伊！——阿及木乃伊！”
“对，对。本地人？”
“不！阿及木乃伊！”
“啊，原来这样。大概是法国人吧！”
“不！——不是法国人，不是罗马人！——生在埃及塔！”
“生在埃及塔。从没听说过埃及塔这地方。恐怕是外国地方吧。木乃伊——木乃伊。他多镇静——他多沉着。他，呃——他死了吗？”
“唉，真见鬼，死三千年啦！”
医生恶狠狠地对他回过头来：
“喂，喂，你这样做算什么意思！见我们是外邦人，想长长见识，就当我们土老儿耍弄吗！想拿陈年臭尸体骗我们！——真正岂有此理，我晓得—晓—你要是有好看的新鲜活死人，就拿出来！——不然的话，哼哼，我们就叫你脑袋开花！”
我们弄得这法国人实在啼笑皆非。谁知，他不知不觉中，多少给我们一报还一报。今天早晨他上旅馆里来打听我们起身了没有，接着尽力把我们的样子形容一通，好让旅馆老板弄懂他说的是谁。临了还信口说我们是疯子。这话说得那么天真，那么老实，真不愧是个向导说的。
我们碰到的向导中，要数这个罗马福开森最有耐性了，深信不疑，逆来顺受。大家真舍不得跟他分手。有他作陪，实在非常高兴。我们相信他有我们做伴也高兴，可我们却满腹狐疑，伤透脑筋。
Mark Twain
European guides know about enough English to tangle ev erything up so that a man can make neiter head nor tail of it．They know their story by heart，—the history of every stat ue，painting， cathedral，or other wonder they show you．They know it and tell it as a parrot would， and if you interrupt, and throw them off the track， they have to go back and begi nover again．All their lives long, they are employed in showing strange things to foreigners and listening to their bursts of admiration．
It Is human nature to take delight in exciting admiration．It is what prompts children to say "smart" things, ad do absurd ones，and in other ways "show off" when company is pre sent．It is what makes gossips turn out in rain and storm to goand be the first to tell a startling bit of news．Think, then, what a passion it becomes with a guide, whose privilege it is，every day, to show to strangers wonders thst throw them intoperfect ecstasies of admiration! He gets so that he could not byany possibility live in a soberer atmosphere．
After we discovered this, we never went into ecstasies anymore, we never admired anything, we never showed any but impassible faces and stupid indifference in the presence ofthe subli mest wonders a guide had to display． We had found their weak point． We have made good use of it ever since．We have made some of those people savage, at times, but we have never lost our serenity．
The doctor asks the questions generally，because he can keep his countenance, and look more like an inspired idiot, and throw more imbecility into the tone of his voice than any man that lives． It comes natural to him．
The guides in Genoa are delighted to secure an American party， because Americans so much wonder， and deal so muchin sentiment and emotion before any relic of Columbus． Our guide there fidgeted about as if he had swallowed a spring mat tress． He was full of animation，—full of impatience．He said：—
"Come wis me，genteel men! —come! I show you ze let ter writing by Christopher Colombo！—write it himself！—write it wis his own hand！—come!"
He took us to the municipal palace． After much impres sive fumbling of keys and opening of locks, the stained andaged document was spread before us． The guide's eyes sparkled． He danced about us and tapped the parchment with 193 his finger:—
"What I tell you, genteel men! Is it not so? See! handwriting Christopher Colombo! — write it himself!"
We looked indifferent,—unconcerned． The doctor ex amined the document very deliberately, during a painful pause．Then he said, without any show of interest,"Ah, Ferguson, what what did you say was then ame of the party who wrote this?"
"Christopher Colombo！ ze great Christ opber Colombo!"
Another deliberate examination．
"Ah,—did he write it himself, or—or how?"
"He write it himself! — Christopher Colombo! He's ownhandwriting, write by himself!"
Then the doctor laid the document down and said， “Why，I have seen boys in America only fourteen year sold that could write better man that．”
“But zis is ze great Christo—”
“I don't care who it is！ It's the worst writing I ever saw．Now you mustn't think you can impose on us because we ares trangers．We are not fools，by a good deal． If you have gotany specimens of penmanship of real merit， trot them out！—and if you haven't， drive on！”
We drove on．The guide was considerably shaken up， buthe made one more venture． He had something which he thought would overcome us． He said，—
“Ah，genteel men， you come wis me！ I show you beauti ful， O，magnificent bust Christopher Colombo！—splendid，grand，magnificent！”
He brought us before the beautiful bust，—for it was beautiful，—and sprang back and struck an attitude：—
“Ah，look， genteelmen！— beautiful， grand，— bustChristopher Colombo！ beautiful bust， beautiful pedestal！”
The doctor put up his eyeglass，— procured for such oc casions：—
“Ah，—what did you say this gentleman's name was？
“Christopher Colombo！ ze great Christopher Colombo！”
“Christopher Colombo，— the great Christopher Colom bo． Well， what did he do？”
“Discover America！— discover America，O， ze devil！”
“Discover America．No，—that statement will hardly wash． We are just from America ourselves． We heard nothing about it． Christopher Colombo，— pleasant name，—is—ishe dead？”
“O， corpo di Baccho！— three hundred year！”
“What did he die of？”
“I do not know． I cannot tell．”
“Smallpox，think？”
“I do not know，genteel men，— I do not know what hedie of．”
“Measles，likely？”
“Maybe，— maybe． I do not know，— I think he die of some things．”
“Parents living？”
“Im—posseeble！”
“Ah，— winch is the bust and which is the pedestal？”
“Santa Maria！— zis ze bust！— zis ze pedestal！”
“Ah，I see，I see，—happy combination，—very happy combination indeed． Is—is this the first time this gentle manwas ever on a bust？”
That joke was lost on the foreigner，— guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke．
We have made it interesting for this Roman guide． Yes terday we spent three or four hours in the Vatican again，that wonderful world of curiosities． We came very near expressing interest sometimes， even admiration． It was hard to keep fromit． We succeeded， though． Nobody else ever did， in the Vati can museums．The guide was bewildered，non plussed． He walk6d his legs off，nearly， hunting up extraordinary things，and exhausted all his ingenuity on us， but it was a failure；we never showed any interest in anything． He had reserved what he considered to be his greatest wonder till the last，—a royal Egyptian mummy， the best preserved in the world， perhaps．He took us there． He felt so sure， this time， that some of his old enthusiasm came back to him：—
“See，genteel man！— Mummy！ Mummy！”
The eyeglass came up as calmly， as deliberately as ever．
“Ah，—Fer gusoh，— what did I understand you to say the gentleman's name was？
“Name？— he got no name！ Mummy！—’Gyp tian mum my！”
“Yes，yes．Born here？”
“No．’Gy ptian mummy．”
“Ah， just so． Frenchman， I presume？”
“No！—not Frenchman，not Roman！—born in Egyp ta！”
“Born in Egypta． Never heard of Egypta before．Foreign locality， likely． Mummy，—mummy． How calm he is，howself possessed！Is—ah！—is he dead？”
“O， sacre bleu！been dead three thous an’ year！”
The doctor turned on him savagely：—
“Here， now， what do you mean by such conduct as this？Playing us for China men because we are strangers and trying tolearn！Trying to impose your vile secondhand carcasses on us！Thunder and lightning！ I've a notion to— to—If you've go ta nice fresh corpse， fetch him out！— or，by George， we'll brain you！”
We make it exceedingly interesting for this Frenchman．However，he has paid us back，partly，without knowing it．He came to the hotel this morning to ask if we were up， and heende avored， as well as he could， to describe us， so that thelandlord would know which persons he meant． He finished with the casual remark that we were lunatics． The observation was so innocent and so honest that it amounted to a very good thing for a guide to say．
Our Roman Ferguson is the most patient， unsuspecting，long suffering subject we have had yet． We shall be sorry to part with him． We have enjoyed his society very much．We trust he has enjoyed ours，but we are harassed with doubts．
98．我们在热那亚和罗马的向导
马克·吐温
欧洲向导都懂得点英国话，刚好能把一切搅得乱七八糟， 弄得人家摸不到头脑。那套故事——那套用来指点人家参观 雕塑、绘画、大教堂等类名胜奇迹的掌故，他们都背熟了。什 么都晓得，就像鹦哥一样学说出来——如果给人家一打岔，把 话岔到题外，他们就得回过头来，重新说起。他们专门雇来给 参观奇珍异宝的外国人当向导，听客人赞美几句。好听上劲 儿的赞美是人之常情。正是因为这个道理，孩子才会当着人 面说些“俏皮”话，干些荒唐事，才会想其它法子“卖弄”一 下。正是因为这个道理，碎嘴子才会冒着狂风暴雨出去，抢先 说件耸人听闻的消息。向导的特权就是天天指点外邦人看看 名胜古迹，博得人家欣喜若狂的大事赞美，那么，请想一想，他怎会不渴望人家这么赞美几声呵！他听惯了赞美，所以碰到人家稍为冷淡，他就绝对受不了。我们发现这点以后，每当向导领我们到什么伟大壮丽的名胜面前，我们就再也不欣喜若狂，对什么再也不加赞美，只装出一副无动于衷的脸色，傻里傻气地漠不关心。我们找到他们的弱点了，就此大大利用，时时惹得有些向导火冒三丈，可我们倒始终心平气和。
通常都由医生提问题，因为他能不动声色，看来比天下任何人都像个通灵白痴，说话的声调也比任何人都透着傻气。这在他身上倒是浑然天生。
热那亚的向导专爱招揽美国人的旅行团，因为美国人面对哥伦布的遗迹，总是惊讶万分，总是感慨多端，热情奔放。我们那个向导可坐不定，立不安，活像吞了个弹簧垫子。他浑身是劲，满心焦急。他说：
“肯我来，各位宪生——来！我给你们看克利斯朵夫·哥郎波写得信！——亲自写得！——亲手写得！——来！”
他把我们带到市政厅。拼命掏了那么多回钥匙，开了那么多道锁，那封污秽的古老文件终于摊在我们面前。向导眼睛闪闪发光。他在我们身边跳来蹦去，手指弹弹那张羊皮纸：
“瞧我说的，各位宪生！可不是？瞧！克利斯朵夫·哥郎波亲笔——亲自写得！”
我们脸色冷峻，漠不关心。在这段令人难熬的冷场中，医生不慌不忙地把这文件研究了一番。看后丝毫不表兴趣地说：
“啊——福开森——你——你—一你刚说写这玩艺的家伙叫什么名字来的？”
“克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！伟大的克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！”199
又不慌不忙地研究了一通。
“啊——是他亲自写的，还是——还是怎么的？”
“他亲自写得——克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！他亲笔字，亲自写得！”
于是医生放下那文件说：
“唉，在美国我看到过，十四岁小孩写的字，也比这高明得多呢。”
“可则是伟大的克利斯朵——”
“我不管他是谁！我还是头一次见到这么糟的书法呢。你可别想哄我们外邦人。我们绝对不是傻瓜。你要有什么货真价实的墨宝，就拿出来看看！——要没有，那就赶车吧！”
我们就赶车走了。向导给大大奚落了一顿，可他还是豁着再试一下。他有套法宝，自以为能说服我们。他说：
“啊，各位宪生！肯我来吧！我给你们看看漂亮的，喔，壮严的克利斯朵夫·哥郎波胸像！——又雄伟，又神气，又壮严！”
他把我们带到那座漂亮的胸像跟前——因为这确是漂亮——就一箭步跳开，装模作样地说：
“啊，瞧，各位宪生！——真漂亮，真神气，——克利斯朵夫·哥郎波胸像！——多漂亮的胸像，多漂亮的座子！”
医生戴上了单眼镜——是特地为派这用场才买的：
“啊——你刚说这位先生叫什么来的？”
“克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！——伟大的克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！”
“克利斯朵夫·哥郎波——伟大的克利斯朵夫·哥郎波。呃，他是干什么的？”
“发见美洲！——发见美洲，喔，滑见鬼！”
“发见美洲。不——那话简直靠不住。我们就是刚从美洲来的。我们可没听说过。克利斯朵夫·哥郎波——名字倒好听——他——他死了吗？”
“喔，活见鬼！——三百年啦！”
“他怎么死的？”
“我不知道！——我说不上。”
“想来是出天花吧？”
“我不知道，各位宪生！——我不知道他怎么死得！”
“大概出痧子吧？”
“恐怕是的——恐怕是的——我不知道——我看他总是得什么病死得。”
“父母还活着吗？”
“不——苦能！”
“啊——哪是胸像，哪是座子？”
“天呐！——则系胸像！——则系座子！”
“啊，有数了，有数了——配得妙——实在配得妙透。这——这位先生是不是头一回在胸像上？”
外国人可不懂那种笑话——向导对美国式笑话的妙处可领会不了。
我们弄得这罗马向导啼笑皆非。昨天我们又到梵蒂冈，在那座稀世珍品的宝库中消磨了三四个钟头。我们往往忍不住流露出感兴趣的神情，甚至流露出欣赏的眼光，这可很难熬住，但到底熬住了。因为在梵蒂冈博物馆里，可没人不感兴趣的。向导真弄糊涂了——不知怎么办是好。他到处猎取奇珍异宝，差点跑断了腿，把全部聪明都用在我们身上，可就是无济于事；我们对任何东西都不流露任何兴趣。直到最后，他才把自以为最神奇的东西搬出来——一具埃及皇族的木乃伊，也许是世界上保存得最好的一具吧。他把我们带到那儿。这回，他信心十足，原来那副热情多少又恢复了：
“瞧，各位宪生！——木乃伊！木乃伊！”
医生照旧平心静气、不慌不忙地戴上单眼镜。
“啊，——福开森——我刚听你说这位先生叫什么名字来的？”
“名字？——他没名字！——木乃伊！——阿及木乃伊！”
“对，对。本地人？”
“不！阿及木乃伊！”
“啊，原来这样。大概是法国人吧！”
“不！——不是法国人，不是罗马人！——生在埃及塔！”
“生在埃及塔。从没听说过埃及塔这地方。恐怕是外国地方吧。木乃伊——木乃伊。他多镇静——他多沉着。他，呃——他死了吗？”
“唉，真见鬼，死三千年啦！”
医生恶狠狠地对他回过头来：
“喂，喂，你这样做算什么意思！见我们是外邦人，想长长见识，就当我们土老儿耍弄吗！想拿陈年臭尸体骗我们！——真正岂有此理，我晓得—晓—你要是有好看的新鲜活死人，就拿出来！——不然的话，哼哼，我们就叫你脑袋开花！”
我们弄得这法国人实在啼笑皆非。谁知，他不知不觉中，多少给我们一报还一报。今天早晨他上旅馆里来打听我们起身了没有，接着尽力把我们的样子形容一通，好让旅馆老板弄懂他说的是谁。临了还信口说我们是疯子。这话说得那么天真，那么老实，真不愧是个向导说的。
我们碰到的向导中，要数这个罗马福开森最有耐性了，深信不疑，逆来顺受。大家真舍不得跟他分手。有他作陪，实在非常高兴。我们相信他有我们做伴也高兴，可我们却满腹狐疑，伤透脑筋。