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Child

311 views. 2021-5-17 21:38

    I want to adopt a child. I want to be a mother. I want a love that will never fade way but last till my very last day. I believe this is not the type of emotion that any man can offer. I’ve lost all my faith in men. Men, they walk in and out of my life, like passers-by. I need no more shallow emotions from them. But I want to love and I have love. They just don’t deserve it. The love I’m desperately needing is a love that engraves itself in me, something like nurturing a child, watching him/her grow, giving him/her all I have. A friendship that will never break. I’m not a confident person in all aspects of my life, somehow I strong believe that if I can take a child home, something will be establishing in both of us the moment I take his/her hand in mine. Bond.

    YesI am dreaming. I’ve been dreaming since the day J said maybe someday we would adopt a kid and let him/her run in our backyard with DD, my cat. An idea I’ve been secretly suppressed for many years, now came back to life.

    I hated him, for saying these because he made me day dream. I wouldn’t if he could make me keep on dreaming and would never wake me up.

    I hated him more, when I childishly went to confirm with him whether he was making me dream and he said yes.

    I hated myself the most, when I realized I was being credulous once again.

    Having nothing is not the most painful, losing is.

    The moment I woke up from the sweetest dream I’ve ever made, the world between me and J shattered, because I will never believe in anything he’ll ever say to me.

    I thought about adopting and raising a child all by myself. But I’m not sure what it means for a child to have a mangled family. Foremost, I don’t have the money. Yes I need a man’s money. I've never been as eager for money as I am at this very moment. I deeply regret all the time I wasted throughout the years, the years I spent with Mr. A, B, C, D… for nothing. No Mr. Right.

    It took me just one second to stop loving J. I can bear all type of lies of him, not this one.

    Now J wants us to talk. To me, it’s a waste of time. I’d rather spend the time on studying, reading, anything, or even sleep to recharge my batteries. Why spend such precious time with a man who brags?

    I’m not angry no more. I feel like having been evacuated by the negative feelings.

    Now work is all I have.

    I’ll remember myself to water my litter rubber tree on my desk tomorrow morning.

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