Is it ridiculousfor a middle-aged woman dreaming of living another kind of life? Thousands of questions hanging in my mind. What if I didn’t give up my first job when the child needs someone to take care? At least I must be abroad once and see a different world with my eyes and make my life worth of coming. Above that, I might have the ability to buy my own house in stead of spending all my salary to co-buy with someone who cares me noting unless he needs my help.

What if I didn’t come to Shenzhen directly from school after graduation? What if we never met before? Love faded quickly as time gone by, never to mention there isn’t any. All the answers I want is just caring. Simple but difficult. Right? Not everybody knows you well, even the one who lives almost ten years together with.

There are two important persons in my life who were trying persuading me to avoid the future miserable results of my choice. One is my mother. She didn’t want me to marry so far away from home. She knows everything I am gonna go through all bymyself. Helpless and lonely in another city. She once told to me to go wherever I want to go before I have a child. How wise she is. After I had a kid, I never go anywhere. It’s the kid, because of the kid, I am not an independent person anymore, I have to consider so many things but myself. I was dead, my soul was dead since the day I have a child. Look at me now, I even don’t know myself. Live just for live. What am I able to do? Fight with reality? Go against  the mess of life? This is the first thing I regret so much in my life, I still cannot over it. Whenever I am unhappy, I keep blaming myself for not listening to my parents. I was blind and my heart was coved by fake things.You know people see the truth with heat not the eyes.

The second one was my career, can’t believe I had a career, right? I was doing great at that time,and I was thinking of further myself of being abroad, but the baby came, and mylife doomed from that moment, I guess. Got up at 6 and spend more than 4 hours commuting, squeeze the people potatoes on the very first morning subway and the last bus, went to bed at deep midnight was normal. Fainted on the roadside way to my office. I have no other choices but quit the job I like.

So, you see what I had pay for this child. He made me suffer from the most difficulties in my whole life and without any help. I almost lost everything to bring him to this world.But now, I start thinking that my sacrifice was worthless. He destroyed my life,but who is gonna to make this up for me? Now they stand together to against me, and always let me play the bad. Because the kid is growing up, I am not that important anymore. 

For years, I did it for nothing.