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Even in the darkest moments, there is a light

378 views. 2018-4-7 14:24 |Individual Classification:Daily Life

The last month felt like an eternity for me. I tried several times to write it down, to write all my blues away. But every word I keyed in appeared to be so ridiculous, as if it mocked me in the face, I could almost hear it laughing: “How pathetical!”


I couldn’t continue.


Today I decided to try it another time. The habit of keeping a journal is deeply rooted in my heart, and I also hope that my story could act as a kind of warming to the people who happen to read it.


How pathetic that a simple incident could turn the whole world upside down.


I want to transform the word incident, color it with fancy and wing it with paradox, make it sound bigger. However, I can’t change the fact that my whole life was almost ruined by a disease called HIVD—serious but not fatal, actually it’s a pretty common one. And I know quite a few people also suffering from it.


But for my family, it’s almost a fatal blow.


My husband is a strong man in many things but not in illness. Frankly speaking, he has a rather morbid fear of disease. Things as tiny as skin rashes would send him in panic. And that fear grows as he ages. Even when he is healthy, he would pay a bit too frequent visits to the hospital to make sure he is OK.


I know he went a bit too far here, but under great pressures of modern society, almost everyone has this or that mental issues. His problem just meant a few more times health checks, so what’s the big deal? I forgot that one day he would be sick.


HIVD hit him pretty hard this time, and he collapsed almost immediately. And then it is followed by a painful and extreme slow progress.


After he was discharged from the hospital, he still spent most of time in bed, and kept complaining about all the pains,  all the discomforts he has suffered.


He believes in strict bed rest, a treatment he read from a hot post online written by a HIVD patient. With each day passing by, he showed almost no signs of recovery, and my worries keep mounting up, almost eating me alive.


If your spinal segment degenerates, there is no fully recovery Logically, once the inflammation reduced and the proteins from inside the disc are not in contact with the nerve, the patient would be released from the sharp pains. As for other discomforts, like sore muscle, stiff back, that needs a long time body exercise to reduce. After inflamation reduced, lying in bed all day couldn’t help, on the contrary, which would only make things worse.  


That’s where I couldn’t trust my husband’s judgment. He has Zero tolerance towards pain. His back was extremely tender after getting sick. I don’t think he could tell the differences between the pain caused by nerve and discomforts from a stiff back. And all he could think of is to sleep all the symptoms away.


How on earth could that happen?


At our age stiff back is part of our life. We are not young any more. Lying in bed could cure that? ---unless it could turn our body into 18s! In fact, as far as I could see, lying in bed all the time has caused more discomforts than it helps, and the worst, it has dragged him deeper and deeper into depression.


I tried to talk him out of it. I tried all the means, being persuasive, touching, hortatory, admonitory and expostulating, I even tried indignant and sarcastic—all proven to be vain attempts, and even worse, it started fights between us.


And then I found myself felling into my old habits of silence. 


Just when you thought it couldn’t be any worse. One of his friends, who is an orthopedic surgeon, suggested him the surgery. That’s the last straw. We consulted several doctors, one, who is an expert in this field votes for No-surgery, two for surgery.


I believe in the expert. I still remember the incredible expression he showed in his face when we mentioned about the surgery.


Out of the fear of a surgery, he decided to lying in bed more—that is, he won’t get off bed until fully recovered. ---I had to feed him, bath him in bed. 

I have work to do , chores to finish, a kid to take care, a curel reality to face: if he couldn’t hold a job, how to support the family on my own?  I really don’t have much strenghs left for comforting a sick husband. 


I tried not to think too much, or I would be driven into crazy. 


Perhaps there is a light even in the darkest moments of life. Huaxi Hospital is the best one in Sichuan, but it is extremely hard to make an appointment. Luckily, there is online clinic available. We finally made one.


The doctor didn’t suggest surgery. When we asked him if strict bed rest necessary, he send us a voice message:


Lying in bed is pretty out of date treatment. I won’t suggest my patient to do that. In fact, even for a pretty healthy people, lying in bed for a whole month would cause serious problems. It makes your muscles weak, your joints degenerates. And the worst is, it makes your mental crippled. You should get off the bed, try to exercise your body.


I can’t agree more! I want to give likes for every one he just said.


I told my husband many times about it, but I am not a doctor, and my words don’t count.


Finally, he was talked into some senses. He started getting off the bed, occasionally. It’s great step forward.


Honest, I am still not sure about the future. Just like I am not sure if he could stand the pains necessary for stretching his body into normal function.  But at least there is hope. 

Mental health, sometimes, is more important than physical one.



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