The past few days is definitely an emotional roller coaster. 

At first, I’m like, wow, finally I am going to have a surgery! A triumphant end of the first phrase in my cancer-fight! So, it started with a nice climbing-up—with all of the expectations and hopes that you could imagine. 

And then I was plummeting straight down when I saw one of my ward mate turning from a good sport into the worst shape after 7 hours surgery. There was a distinctive line between the Before and the After. I mean, before the surgery, she was so full of spirits. “Hi, I’ve gone through eight chemos, so what’s the big deal of a surgery? It’s just a nap.” The nap turned out to be a very painful one. Her cancer spread to her ribs, which hadn’t been found in her bone scan, and the doctor had to cut her three ribs off and it led to a serious infection. She could barely move after the surgery. 

Honestly I was scared. My cancer spread to my bones and my doctor kept reminded me that my surgery couldn’t fix my problem. He is a great doctor and he is very responsible, but he kind of scared me, if possible, even more. 

My fears reached the summit when I was asked to write down the worst consequences word for word--what the worst could possibly happen to me during the surgery, which included 8 worst horrified outcomes and it last one whole page long. 

Okay, I know I am a coward. It took me some hard time to build up my confidence, to literally gather myself together piece by piece. Then finally the day came and I was ready. Surgery cloth—check; no drinking---check; positive mindset—check, check, check. 

I prepared myself for everything except this one. My doctor came and told me that he had to cancel my surgery. My bone cancer has worsen and my condition was unstable, not suit for a surgery.

BANG! What a spiral twist! My roller coaster collapsed and turned me upside down.