I started to feel nervous several hours before I went to see my doctor. It’s not just about time to do my regular checks, but it is “meeting the doctor” itself pretty stressful for me.

First, I didn’t make an appointment with my chemo doctor. There are two teams. I belonged to team A but I made an appointment with team B. I was kind of afraid that the doctor would throw me out of the door with a simple phrase: “You are not my responsible.”

Second, I had an extra request beside regular prescription. I need a sick leave to apply for my early retirement. My husband thought it was not a big deal, but in my mind, I’d already played the worst scenario where I need to persuade, beg, drop off my dignity for them to trample on to get what I want.

Of course none of these happened. The doctor did frown at my medical record, because there are a lot of information missing. So he asked me to remind my doctor to complete it—that doctor whom I never want to see again.

Thanks to her, it’s just one year and a half, but I already developed this doctor-phobia thing. And it’s not just me. Of course, because my husband once or twice threatened to issue a complaint, I must be one of her least favorite.

I can endure her arrogance, her ignores and all of her bad attitudes as long as I could trust her. However, that is the problem. Nothing serious enough, just some small things already enough to destroy my trust.

For example, my cancer has spread to my bones, but she passed me so eagerly to my surgeon after six months’ chemo therapy---without once getting my bones scanned. So the day when I should get the surgery, I, in surgery uniform, was told that I couldn’t get it because my bone cancer has worsen. (My surgeon got my bones scanned before the surgery).

She never told me I should do UCG (cardiac color ultrasound) regularly because of the drugs I’m taking. I didn’t know it until I apply for my free drugs (you bought three month, you can get three month free), and the medicine company asked me for my UCG report---something I’d never heard of. The guy from the medicine company was almost shocked: “But you must do it every two months!” ----Glad to know that, but it’s kind of disturbing that you didn’t hear such information from your doctor.

When I asked “Is there something I need to pay attention to?” about another drugs I am taking, she answered with a nonchalant tone: “Nothing, you might get some cuts in your finger, use notions. “

Then I got my hands and feet blisters, cuts all over and then I learned from my WeChat group, I should take B6 with it……

One thing adds to another, the trust just collapsed. I really don’t want to put my life in her hands. That’s why I made the appointments with Team B. And thank god, not every doctor is like her.