The other day, I watched  a TED speech that has made a deep impression on me.
Leslie Morgan Steiner was a domestic violence victim. In her twenties, Steiner was madly in love with a man who routinely abused her and threatened her life. So in the TED speech, Steiner tells the dark story of her relationship, correcting misconceptions many people hold about victims of domestic violence, and explaining how we can all help those victims.
From his painful memories, Steiner summarizes three stages in domestic violence relationshiops. The firat stage is to seduce and charm the victim. Conor, Steiner's ex-husband created the illusion that she was the dominant partner in the relationship from the beginning. When they started dating, Conor loved and wanted to know everything about her. Her job, her family, her friends, her dreams and hopes, everything. Worsely, he wormed his way into Steiner's confidence by confessing his secret which was that, starting at age four, he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused by his step father. At that time, Steiner believe him a smart, funny and sensitive man who adored her. The second step is to isolate the victim. After a period of dating, Conor asked her to move to a tiny town in New England with him where he could start his life over. Steiner agreed. But she had no idea she was falling into a crazy love, a carefully laid trap.The third stage in to introduce the threat of violence and see how she reacts. As soon as they moved to New England, Conor bought three guns. Since then, Steiner's life was already in grave danger. The next story is pathetic. Five days before their wedding, Conor first physically attacked her. And he proceeded to beat her once or twice a week for the next two and a half years of their marriage.
Steiner answered a disturbing question in domestic relationship: why does the victim stay? Why don't they just leave? First, in her case, she didn't know he is abusing her. She thought that she was the only person who could help Conor to face his demons. Second, many victims believe that they are unique and alone in the violence. That's humiliating. Third, it's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser. Because the final step in the domestic violence is kill her. The abuser has nothing left to  lose.
In the end, Steiner plucked up her courage and break the silence. She told everyone his sufferings, the police, her friends, neighbors, co-workers, even total strangers. In the help of those people, she left that demon and started to rebuild her life. Now she has a loving husband and three kids. Steiner's way of helping other people is to break the silence and shine a spotlight on the violence. Because abuse only thrives in silence.
If you are interested, watch the video. Steiner's advice on how to handle domestic violence is very useful.