Healing Tears 疗伤的泪水

It had been almost six months since our daughter Kendall died, at the age of nine, of an inoperable brain tumor. Though I could not dare to pretend that life was going smoothly, we pulled together and tried to get on with living—for Kendall's sake.
    I kept telling myself that Kendall knows that I love her and that the important thing now, is to make sure that the two here, at home, know that I love them; for me not to dwell so much on a child who, currently, is celebrating in the presence of God… but to focus on the time at hand—with Joshua and Celeste!
    Recently, I had become aware that my youngest, Celeste, was modeling herself after a Jester to urge Paul and I out of our fleeting times of sadness. It was not her job to keep us smiling and I didn't want her to take on the role of “caregiver and keeper of her parent's hearts”. She knew that there was a particular smile that she could flash at us, that pushed our emotions to the side and caused us to explode in an unbridled laugh.
    Now, this was a welcome change at most times, but there also needs to be a time of tears to cleanse. Rest assured, Paul and I weren't going through our home in a depression. Just moments of sadness might overtake us, when it wasn't easy to retreat into the bedroom, or save it for the shower. These times were pretty few and far between, but to a six-year-old child it must it must be painful to see her parents grieving anyway.
    Celeste came over to me as I sat pondering a memory; apparent sadness and loss must have been poised across my face. “Mommy?” she voiced. As I looked up to answer her, she flashed that cheesy grin that usually precedes a spontaneous “crack-up”. And true to from, it did.
    I wanted her to know that it wasn't her job to “keep us smiling,” and I asked her to sit on my lap. “Celeste,” I wanted to protect her heart so I guarded my words carefully, “Mommy likes it when you make me laugh, and you have a special way of doing that, too.”
    Celeste smiled with approval. “You know that we all miss Kendall,” I continued, “and sometimes when we think of her… we will be happy, and sometimes when we think of her it will make us sad that she isn't here with us.” I paused to read her expression. “Sometimes when we're sad we might cry.”
    Celeste was gazing at me steadily and mirroring my facial gestures in an effort to empathize. “The thing is, Celeste, that I know it makes you feel sad to see Mommy or Daddy sad and you want to make us smile, but there is a reason for the tears.” She was nodding her head to show her dislike for our tears.
    “You know when you fall down and scrape your knee?” I was receiving an example from God. “Yes...” Celeste's eyes were large and intense. “What do we have to do before we put the band-aid on?” “Wash it.” She was confident in her answer. “That's right. When Mommy and Daddy cry, it is like God washing our hearts so that he can put His bandage on us and help us to heal.”
     Was this really me talking?
     Celeste was thinking this over. “So even though you may not like to see us crying, sometimes we need to because it is actually helping us to heal. So even though I love to see your beautiful smile, please don't be upset when you see us having a short moment of tears. Just know that God is helping us to wash our hearts, so that He can heal them.
     We concluded our talk with a tight hug and tickle and Celeste bounded down the stairs to resume her play. “Thank you, God,” I prayed, “for not only helping me to explain to Celeste, but for explaining it to me.”

    我们的女儿坎德尔已经去世快六个月了。她只有九岁，患了脑癌，并且不能开刀治疗。虽然我没有勇气假装说生活一帆风顺，但我们还是让自己振作了起来，努力地让生活继续——即使只是为了坎德尔。
    我不断地告诉自己，坎德尔知道我爱她；现在重要的是要让家里的这两个孩子相信我爱他们；对我来说重要的，不是沉浸在对坎德尔的痛苦思念中，她正快乐地呆在上帝身边呢……而应是专心于眼前的时光——和约书亚、莎丽丝特在一起的时光！
    最后，我注意到，在我和保罗间或有那么一小会儿悲伤的时候，我们的小不点，莎丽丝特就会模仿一个小丑的样子。逗我们笑不是她的任务，我不想让她扮演“父母心灵的守护者”的角色。她知道她可以向我们发出一种特别的笑容，把我们的忧伤赶到一边去，使我们忍不住捧腹大笑。
    当然，我们多数时候都欢迎这种情绪上的变化，但是，我们也需要有哭泣释放的时间。放心，我和保罗没有把家里弄得阴暗沉沉。只是有时会陷入片刻的哀伤中，那是没有忍到退进卧室或留到洗澡的时候。这些时候其实很少，而且时隔很长，但是，无论如何，一个六岁的孩子看到父母悲伤，心里肯定不是滋味。
    我做着沉湎于过去的时候，莎丽丝特走过来；哀伤的阴影一定是悬在我脸上了。“妈妈？”她叫我。我抬起头来看她，她又朝我做出了那个通常能让我不由自主大笑的笑容。是的，她成功了，我又哈哈大笑起来。
    我想让她知道“让我们保持微笑”不是她的工作，于是我叫她坐在我的腿上。“莎丽丝特，”我不想让她的心灵落下任何阴影。所以用词很小心，“妈妈喜欢你让妈妈笑，而且你也做得不错。”
莎丽丝特笑着点点头。“你知道我们都想念坎德尔，”我继续道，“有时候想起她，我们很高兴，有时候想起她又会很伤心，因为她没有跟我们在一起。”我停顿了一下，研究她的表情，“有时我们伤心，可能就会哭。”
    莎丽丝特一动不动地看着我，努力观察我的表情含义。“问题是，莎丽丝特，我知道看到妈妈和爸爸伤心，你也会伤心，你想让我们笑，但是眼泪是有它的原因的。”她点头，表示她不喜欢我们掉眼泪。
   “你知道当你摔倒刮伤膝盖的时候吗？”上帝传达给我这样一个例子。“嗯……”莎丽丝特的眼睛睁得很大，聚精会神。“我们贴上邦迪前先得怎么做呢？”“洗一下。”她对自己的回答自信满满。“对了，妈妈和爸爸哭的时候，就像是上帝在冲洗我们的心，这样他就可以给我们贴上他的邦迪，帮助我们治疗了。”
这真的是我在说话吗？
    莎丽丝特思考着我的话。“所以，即使你可能不喜欢看到我们哭，但有时候我们需要那样，因为其实它能让我们更快地好起来。所以尽管我喜欢看到你美丽的笑容，但是如果你看到我们有那么一小会儿掉眼泪的话，别伤心难过。记住那是上帝在冲洗我们的心，以便治疗它们。”
    我们紧紧地拥抱，然后互相胳肢了一下后，结束了谈话。莎丽丝特跳到地板上，继续玩耍去了。“谢谢你，上帝，”我祈祷，“你不仅帮助我向莎丽丝特做出了解释，而且这也是给我的解释。”

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