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How to build confidence?
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This issue has bothered me all the time. I am just wondering whether confidence is an innate quality. Maybe it is somewhat related to my family condition, because many friends I know with better family condition are very confident. Their confidence does not only embody in their appearance, but also in their way of doing things. But I also know exactly my barren confidence is mainly the result of my complex inner thoughts. It is because I care about others’ feelings or opinions too much. I am so scared to know others look down upon me. I hate others’ unfriendly glimpses and words, let alone those with discrimination. Certainly, I know this is all my fault. I’ve read many articles to get some relief and gain some confidence. I have to say they do work at some extent especially when I am alone, but when I stand by others or I go out, my treasurable confidence may be broke down at one moment.
Times have changed. When I was young, though I wore poor clothes and shoes, but those never made me embarrassed or unconfident, I thought it was more shyness. But when I went to college, my unconfident feelings started to be stronger. When my female classmates gathered to go shopping or have dinner, I was always absent. Yes, I didn’t have money and I strongly felt we were not of the same class. Apparently, I on my own classified myself into an inferior class, and most of my best friends were with similar family condition or life like mine. Therefore, I was confident and comfortable when I was with my best friends, but when I was with others beyond my group, I was not. When talking with the latter ones, I might have lots of inner struggles about what to say or even be silent, because I was so worried that my words would cause others’ contempt.
Though I had a job and started to earn money, I still couldn’t have enough confidence. When I went shopping at a mall, some saleswomen would have somewhat weird glimpse at me or might be not as warm as they treated their “superior clients”, and that made me uncomfortable. I had to admit, when I grew older, I cared more about others’ opinions or thoughts. I cared so much about what they felt about me. Though I had tried so many times to persuade myself, and told myself the most important thing was what I thought about myself, it didn’t work when back to the reality.
I thought my poor confidence might be born with me. While, there were still lots of people who were not confident when they were young, but they made it when they grew up. So it was still my problem. Maybe, I should first buy myself a suit of decent wearing to gain some confidence. And then, I should go out more often to see the world outside. More important, I should force myself to have some new tries about things I never did. Maybe, I should also do what I was thinking about instantly before I started to have comlex inner struggles in my mind.
Post comment Comment (17 replies)
- Reply sunnyv
- You are brave enough to present an account of your insecurities and unpleasant experiences. Allow me to congratulate you on this. That is where you start to overhaul and change your life and thoughts.
Who the hell are those people who look down on you? Who do they think they are? What is it that they have which you don't have? So what if they look better than you? You have your invisible interior capability, they have their exterior looks and advantage. They are no better than you. You have your own knowledge and capability which follows you for life, but their looks are are short lived and would fade in time. Nobody is perfect.
Recently, I walked into a mall when they were about to close and antagonized the employees who thought I would delay their closing. They called me a ''ghost'' and gave me dirty looks. I understood what they said and gave them my middle finger which shocked them. So?
Everyone has to experience some sort of rejection, hate or repression. Everyone is entitled to self esteem and nobody can violate that. All you have to do is brush them aside and be yourself. Things change and improve incessantly and your potential would be realized in due time. The defeating words of others should not affect you. They are just trying to oppress you and see how you react. They get satisfaction when they are able to bring you down. Stand firm. Nobody has the right to say anything negative about you. Learn how to return fire in such situations. Be confident and be proud of yourself. You have that power.
- Reply 2amlittle
- everyone is equal. sometimes we may consider ourselves as one class and others as another class in our mind because of the different life style. yes, there exist principle of hierarchy in our society, but that doesn't mean that we can't make friends with the people whose life style is different from us,let alone we feel self-abased. what's more make friends with diferent people can benifit ourselves, it can broaden our horizon and eliminate our defects in the aspect of our character. what result in your state of mind now is not the question of confidence or not but your complex thoughts, before you start a relationship you would have already graded yourself and others on the life style or other aspects and then you would have fear in mind when go out with others what's worse maybe you dare not to go out with them. and if you go out with them the conception you have thought before would affect you and then you may blame yourself as not have enough confidence but infact it is not because of your insecurities.
confidence need indicate. you need to keep a happy mood and always indicate yourself you are super girl,you can do it,you are the best. this kind of state is what I have before I am ill, but after that my confidence has broken down. but now I am build up my confidence day by day. and another important thing is that you need to change your thought. I don't know what kind of thought can suit you and help you. so I can't give your too many suggestion. it is up to you, it maybe very hard at the beginning but you need to try to change it. after that everything would change and you would feel more comfortable when go out with others.
and another thing is try to be yourself bravely, follow your mind pursue your thought, don't care about other's thought. it is your life not other's life, and everyone has his/her experience they may not understand you so why you should care???
tell you a secret I would always go to shopping by myself, at first I would feel uncomfortable but it is all because of ourselves, we try to figure out other's thought towards us but infact it is all our thought not other's thought, they don't speak out right, we can't always live in our thought world unless they speak out it maybe the truth if they never speak we should not try to predict other's thought. Fighting girl.
- Reply sweetapple
- I am so greatly touched and inspired by your words. And I can't help laughing out when I read the third paragraph about your experience happened in the mall, that also shocks me too, haha
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How right you are! I always have something that others don't have, and I have my own talent that I am proud of. Those I have are enough to make me have confidence in myself. Though I am not from a rich or even middle-condition family, I still find a good job by myself. Though I seldom buy luxury brands, that's because I want to spare more money for my family. Though I don't have a broad vision, I am still young, so I have much time to fulfill it.
I think the very wrong thing I've done is that I only see others' superiority and my inferiority,but I don't see my own superiority. At any time, I don't have the right to prevent others' thoughts or opinions about me, but just as what you've said, I can't let their words and behaviors bring me down, I can't let them get satisfaction, I can't let them see my jokes. Anyone can look down upon me, as long as I don't.
Respect is a mutual thing. Like you do, if others offend me, I can also give them my middle finger(Certainly, I can only dare to do that in my mind). What they have, what they do, what they say, it's no big deal at all. Why should I care them that much? They are not worthwhile at all.
It's true that I am only a rookie into work and the society, but I am not willing to be a rookie forever. Time can witness everything. Whatever situation I am in, I would firmly remember the lesson you give to me. To have faith and confidence, and never let others bring me down.
- Reply sunnyv
- Oh.. that was for 2amlittle. You are also good.
sweetapple: I am so greatly touched and inspired by your words. And I can't help laughing out when I read the third paragraph about your experience happened in th ...
- Reply sunnyv
- Great. So you actually already have the inbuilt confidence and security and all you have to to is bring them out, exercise them and use them to your advantage. Now, from this day onward, hold your head up high and walk through the storms with confidence. Nothing can defeat you.
sweetapple: I am so greatly touched and inspired by your words. And I can't help laughing out when I read the third paragraph about your experience happened in th ...
- Reply sweetapple
sunnyv: Wow... your response is so professional and convincing. Not only the message i clear but it is full of wisdom. People are writing so well here, so I t ...
thanks for your appreciation. It's you give me courage and hope, and make me improve. You are the very person needed here.
- Reply sweetapple
- Yes, now I feel better. I would take your advice to have some new tries. What if I fail, it's no big deal. At least, I could do better this time than last time.
sunnyv: Great. So you actually already have the inbuilt confidence and security and all you have to to is bring them out, exercise them and use them to your a ...
- Reply sunnyv
- 2amlittle: Wow... your response is so professional and convincing. Not only the message i clear but it is full of wisdom. People are writing so well here, so I think I can retire.
2amlittle: everyone is equal. sometimes we may consider ourselves as one class and others as another class in our mind because of the different life style. yes, ...
Very well done dear, keep it up.
- Reply sweetapple
2amlittle: everyone is equal. sometimes we may consider ourselves as one class and others as another class in our mind because of the different life style. yes, ...
I am just wondering how you can get the point so exactly. You are really a good "psychologist", and I decide to classify you into my group, haha.
I don't know whether it is right to describe myself as unconfident, but it's indeed somewhat related to my fear in my mind. I've said I am scared of being mocked, despised, so I am too easily affected by others' thoughts.And because of those fears, I dare not do lots of things.
Being with people beyond my group, I would feel self-abased, but I don't rule out all of them. I also make friends with them, but may not as intimate as my best friends. There's still some difference, you know.
I reall have a good lesson from you and Sunnyv. I would take advice from both of you. Your suggestions give me a good direction, the urgent thing I have to do is to act out bravely.
And thanks for sharing your experience with me here, so nice of you.
- Reply 2amlittle
sunnyv: 2amlittle: Wow... your response is so professional and convincing. Not only the message i clear but it is full of wisdom. People are writing so well h ...
haha. we need you here don't retire, we need different voice and thoughts here, infact only when I encounter the topic I am good at I can speak out the words of my inner mind I would have so many words to say. 
- Reply 2amlittle
- Yes, I am your group
sweetapple:
I am just wondering how you can get the point so exactly. You are really a good "psychologist", and I decide to classify you into my ... I am not a good psychologist I just have experienced what you are experiencing now before and what's worse suffer from it. but everything would be OK at last. YES, you are very good, at least you can live by your own depond on your work. and everyone has his/her life style, infact I am very poor sometimes and I may buy things from secondhand market, hearing these you may think that it is unmentionable, Yes it is, But whatever, I can tell everyone except my parents, because I don't want them feel sorry for me, and I never bought things for my parents from secondhand market, that's enough. it is my habits, my careful and frugal life style, you know not everyone can do it as I do
- Reply teadrinking
- The background of life is different that we can not change since we were born. But we can change after getting old.
Many of your words are somewhat oversensitive, while it is understandable. Do not think too much of others feeling. You are the unique person no one else matches you.
Confidence does not build up on a smart suit or some good belongs. If we do not strive hard to gain what we what, we are going to lose those precious things. Since we can take them away at the end of life. The life teaches us to be stronger, since we are brave to live and work.
You can do well by your endeavoring. Believe it. When you are experiencing more, the ability of dealing with people and things around would be enhanced.
Confidence is not something we call it which can come at once. It is the friend who will be with us and accompany with us since we accept who we are.
Go on with your hands to pave the way for a nicer future. Nobody can look you down. If there are some ones who ride on high horse, just let them go, you proceed with your own way. Since everyone is on the different way.
- Reply sweetapple
- I appreciated so much that you guys here gave me so good suggestions. And thanks for pointing out my misunderstandings. I will live on my own way and try to be confident.
teadrinking: The background of life is different that we can not change since we were born. But we can change after getting old.
Many of your words are somewhat ...
- Reply sweetolive
- In a certain point it is related to your mind, as I was in exactly the same situation as you in my teenagers, I had low self-esteem, no self-confidence, cared about other’s opinion more than anyone else. Even in the office, I didn’t wanna involve in the gossip by wasting time, therefore, it was like hell to me until I quit the job, started my new life, then I am a new me now.
Have you read my blog: you are not born to be a lucky one, you should fight… you will understand how depressed I was.
You should very proud of yourself as you find a job on your own, to be an independent lady, it really doesn’t matter family poor or not, you shouldn’t blame yourself for that, as in Australia, if someone relies on their family rather than themselves will be regarded as a loser. And your English is perfect.
You can spend some money buy nice clothes which will increase your self-confidence, but you don’t have to admire someone carrying a luxury bag. In Australia, no one cares about that, I wrote a blog : I don’t live my life through the eyes of someone else: I wore clothes which I bought 10 years ago, who cares.
You might need start a new life by focusing on your strengths rather than one situation which can never be changed –your family.
If I can, why you can’t. change your mind ASAP.
- Reply sweetapple
- Wow, this is really a marvelous place. Here, I can pour out all my upsets and issues, I can be myself. And I feel so excited to meet people here with similar experiences as mine.
sweetolive: In a certain point it is related to your mind, as I was in exactly the same situation as you in my teenagers, I had low self-esteem, no self-confide ...
Actually, I am not a negative person. Whatever difficulties I confront, I can get through by myself. But it's so different feeling to speak out all the things hided in my heart. I hope to get some responses and suggestions here, because you are all sincere and pure here.
Thanks for sharing your experience with me, maybe,the similar experience makes you my good friend.
I have read some of your blogs, but not all. When I am free, I would pay more attention to them.
When I read the part that you talk about the foreigners, I feel their life style would be more comfortable. I also look forward to live a life without material things. I don't know, whether only Chinese people are concerned more about the material things. Under such circumstances, one is easily getting affected.
I am wondering if you've ever confront such situation in China, if you are rich, whatever you wear, others would think they are of big brands, while if you are poor, even you buy the real big brands, others would think they are counterfeits or fake ones. So just like you say, we shouldn't live our life through the eyes of others. Just care who cares us, ignore those who despises us.
I would definitely change mind, and I believe I can. Thanks again for all your words. Thanks for your understanding. And I learn a new abbreviation from you "ASAP"，haha. More attention would be paid for you,my friend.
- Reply yuki1223
- are you a college student? It is very unnecessary to think others are superior. In fact, we are all equal. Those good family condition people are nothing special. And for those who give you unfriendly glimpses or words, they won't be your friend or person you care for in your whole life, therefore do not spend any minute on their thinking or evaluation, not worth it. If you remind yourself with this, you can build up your internal confidence. If you meet something or some topic you do not know or you are not familar with, you can still to join them, just to be modest and accept the true with having a willingness to start to learn those, I can tell you that all people will like you and show their good to you, even they will care for you. You won't feel embarrassed s any more.
- Reply sweetolive
- Actually i really don't think you should worry about what other people think about you, as long as you have self-confident, no matter what clothes you wear, you won't fee bad, as like me, i wore clothes which i bought 10 years' ago even when i visited the best department store in Shanghai, i feel very normal
sweetapple: Wow, this is really a marvelous place. Here, I can pour out all my upsets and issues, I can be myself. And I feel so excited to meet people here with ...
In Australia, no one care about what clothes you wear, no one will judge you rich or poor from your clothes,
