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So disappointed about myself

Hot 2132 views. 2017-5-18 18:53 | about

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These days, I am trapped in very negative feelings and negative thoughts. Now I feel so terrible and disappointed. 
Long time no coming here, as if each time I come and write something just for expressing extreme happiness or sadness.
Unfortunately, I am unhappy again. Despite of some reflections, I still can not figure out what really result in my disappointments. Maybe, it's due to a lot of reasons.
I have to admit I am a somewhat ambitious person, I really look forward to making some achievements at work. While, now it seems to be rather difficult. As a worker in the realm of science research, I desire to have some deep research in some certain aspect, but I can not make sure which aspect I should step into. Within the past two years, there isn't a professional leader teaching or directing me. So, for the work, I feel no progess at all compared to when I was at school. 
Talking about my colleagues, I do not think, I could get on well with them. Though I behave very politely at my workplace, I could not make it to be friends with them. It seems that our relationship just stays at a very superficial level and contraints only to job needs. And I would feel very hurt if others don't give any good response to my passion and friendliness. Maybe, I won't try to approach actively. So, now I don't feel good while handling the relationship with others. 
There are also many trifles at home. Though my younger brother has been married, he still can't behave like a real adult. So, each time when I call my mom, she and my elder sister would together complain lots of things about my brother as well as many other daily things. At home, I play a parent-like role in my family, so I would lose my temper when I know my brother doesn't behave well and I would also feel bored about those trifles because I myself already become messed up, so those things make me more upset and pressureful. 
And then, about my own emotion. I once regard myself as the luckiest person in the world to be in love with my present boyfriend. In my heart, he is my only Mr. Right. Before, I always hear others talk about "the three views" while finding another part.  I feel I and him are extremely matchable in all aspects. He treats me really well and as what I have dreamed of , I could be the real myself and behave like a little girl in front of him. But, maybe, it's my fault, I think I am too excessively cared about him or loving him, so I always pay much attention to his facial expression changes or his words, once I notice he's serious or not happy-looking, I would have very complex thoughts, I would think whether I have done or said something wrong. And I would guess what he's thinking, while he hates me do that. If I ask him whether he's unhappy, he would say he isn't, and I would try to say some tender words first, if he still behave like before, then I would also feel unhappy. He once tells me, if we have conflictions, as long as I behave tender and lovely, he would become well, but as I have tried, it still doesn't work, I don't know what to do. Not for one time, I feel he's unhappy, but he says he isn't, if I insist asking or trying to analyze the reasons, especially if I become unhappy when I get no wanted response from him, he would lose his temper and feel bored, because he would think it's me who's making up one inexistent thing and forcefully regard my guessings as his feelings and he couldn't understand my behaviors. I still think there's some reason for his sudden expression change but I don't know why he doesn't speak out.Maybe, I have done wrong.
Like what I've said above, all of mine have been messed up. I am so disappointed about myself and my present status. What's wrong with me? I feel so terrible now. I really don't know who I should turn to, but I know I would feel embarrassed if sharing them with others. Life is not that easy, now I know. For my work, I hope I could have some more concrete plans and pursuits, for my family, I hope I could get more concerns , for my lover, I hope I could get more understandings and sharings. 
To be honest, for some time, I really want to escape, to enclose myself and stay alone quietly, but I can't. For my complaints, I only want to speak out, and this's also a chance for me to reflect about my real status. So, with no surprise, I find that I am really in a terrible status, haha. Anyway, I look forward to good changes, I won't let it becoming worse. Maybe, I've allowed myself living too comfortable before, so I just wonder if I should treat myself in a more strict way. Yeah, it's time to wake up and try to arrange these things. I believe I can handle them well, at least I should have confidence before doing it. Fighting!

Post comment Comment (2 replies)

Reply Huaxia 2017-5-18 20:25
   don't worry,you are fine,everything will be ok,believe youself!
Reply Rosanna 2017-5-19 09:19
Come on girl, you will be fine.

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