I don't like my life right now. I don't like my life style either. Today I just nissed the really important exam. I feel so bad about it. It's the kind of final exam and few credits is related on it.

Anyway, I don't like everything about myself. Oh, God...

I almost cannot remember when do I become so weak. Each time when I want to finish some really complicated papers(we have a lot papers one semester) or acknowledgable project, I just feel very confident at the beginning and then I gradually become afraid of it. It's like after I start doing the paper in the really creative but difficult topic, I realized how difficult it is. And begain to gradually doubt myself. Did I choose a wrong topic? Was it the important topic, why did I just choose this topic? Can this topic help me expanding my knowledge or improve my acdemic knowledge? I began to think about something side effect of doing this paper, again and over again. Am I just a conflicted man, who cannot strongly stand in one side?

Each time when I am not able to finish the paper, I find that it's not because I don't have the writing skills which I learn from every lesson; I don't have the confidence. That's the point. Even I do my favorite topic for the paper, I still feel that I am not ready for doing this. I haven't learned the enough relative knowledge for this topic. Although I am very good at writing in that topic. In this world, what's the most important thing for a man? The ability to buy his own house? Then being able to buy a car? Being able to send his child to the best local high school? Yeah, these are the standard of evaluating a man. But human's desire is endless. After living in a house, you still want to buy another for renting. By renting the house we get extra money. Then the location of this house become less important. Then he will decide buy another in order to get larger benefits. Then after sending child to best high school, Parents have to decide either send the child to the better college in China, or just let the child go abroad to have a different life in other country.

The more he has the strong desire, the more painful he is. These things above is important. And it's the standard for evaluating a person's social status. But it also can be the origin of pain. He always thinks that I am still not good enough, so he pushes himself further to work harder or relax much less. And then few year pasted, he grows more pain for himself. What's the meaning of the life. A man only have like one hundred years(even someone can live more than 100 years but it's really rare) How would a man spend those few years before end of his life? No one want to wate his lifetime but sometimes he just has to do things that he dislikes or things can help his for his career but can satisfy his will.

 

Why a man just lives in the way he dislikes? For American citizen, I am not quite familiar with them. But one thing I know is that they never care who do others see them. They never change themself because others like or dislike their life style. Even they do their job or some specific work not very well, they may not lose the confidence. They would be proud of themselves and be very confident to show their works. Because they make every efforts for it, so the experiences are important; the result does not mean everything.