15th of Jan, Tuesday

Tired, but not exhausted. And I have keep myself up to write the diaries for these days before I become too sleepy to do anything but miss my bed.

师兄 is not back now. And I am writing my diary in Peixuan’s room. He is owrking overtime? Or he is dating with his girlfriend? He is not the one who will come back late on purpose so that he need not to accompnay Peixuan, the landlord’s 4-year-old daughter. He is not that man.

Ms Zhang is a dancer and she gives lessone to girls every night. Usually Peixuan is in the kindergarder. Ms Zhang has sent her daughter to a kindergarden which will take care of her from Monday to Friday. Just like our life in middle and high school. Not allowed to come back home till weekend. But now Peixuan’s new year holiday begins while her mother Ms Zhang still need to work. Then, every night, Peixuan is left by herself with animiation and snacks only.

The first night, she found 师兄. He was holding Peixuan on his lap, watching 甜甜私房猫 together—this was what I saw when I unlocked the door and entered the room.

The second night, a terrible night in fact. It was Saturday. I had just worked more than three hours over time that day, but when I was back, Peixuan was there. She wanted to drawing with me. I did enjoyed the time spent on a lovely girl. However, I lack of patience, especially when I was exhuasted. From eight oclock to ten oclock that night, two hours passed, but I stil got no sigh that she would back to her room and play with her Mama. Then, my growing annoyance reached it’s peak when she broke the mirror Jelly sent to me. I snathed the eyeglasses cloth away from her hands and stared at her. Then, without any words, she put on her shoes and left my room. This was the second night.

My annoyance didn’t disappear till the third night. 师兄 succeeded in coaxing her into sleep at around nine oclock. He left Peixuan’s room and looked at me, smiling.

At that time both of us thought we would have a quite and comfortable night. But at ten, a screaming made us all alert. She was awake. I got upset at the crying but when I saw her, bare feet, small hands rubbing her eyes and there were tears on the white face, then instead of getting upset or annoyed, I got angry. Angry at myself.

She was just a little girl, a girl whose mother cann’t stay with her because she need to earn money. She was just a little gir, just like what you were twenty years ago. Wasn’t there a rainy afternoon that you were crying, crying and crying, pledding Mama not to go to work but stayed with you at home? Wasn’t there many black nights that you were left alone with Emma at home and you two dared not to go to bed because it was too dark to go to sleep? Wasn’t there nights that you kept the TV on just for the sounds made you feel you were not alone?

All these, is the same to this four-year-old girl. But I was lucky, because I was not alone, at least I had my younger sister. We were afraid of dark night together. But Peixuan was left by herself. All she had was thousands of aminiations and ready snacks. That’s all. But now, she was crying, because of loneliness, a negative feeling which she might not know what it is. I dare not to imagine how scared she was the moment she woke up and found no one nearby, only the noisy computer. If the sense of security came from being accompanies, anyone’s accompany, then, I wanted to stay up with her.

Then, from that night, I was with her every night, before her mother came back after twelve oclock. And thanks to this, I know what ANGRY BIRD is, what BACKKOM is, what LEON is, what MICKY is talking about, what GGBONG is……see, my knowledge has been boardened…

Peixuan is a lovely. And I want her chilhood as beautiful as it can. Instead of full of darkness, I want to fill it with laugh.