I became a probationary party member last year.

     Actually, I did not really like to be a party member, just told self regarded it as a ladder to reach my goal. of course, it's certainly very honorable to be one of it at the same time to others.

     Apparently, I did know nothing about it at that time.

     It's not a ladder, it's sort of trouble thing now. it always interrupt my plan, it's enough.

     Although I didn't attend the training of party school, didn't submit the party menbership application to school before, cause I did not want to follow suit. however, my instructor still gave the only quota of our class to me, I really appreciate him much. I did not know how to reject the kindness, did not let him misunderstand me who is a so ungrateful person. so I took it.  Don't know how to refuse to give me some trouble.

     In fact, there had a another reason, I told myself only outstanding students can be party members, it's a label of good studendts. I  could counted that it's the return of my pay hard and the encouragement of my study, it's so stupid, perhaps my vanity is haunted, I lost my mind. that time, I did not realise what exactly mean to be a party member except convenient to be rated outstanding students, all about it is a fuzzy concept to me. Just remember I was told that this is good for me for my future, I didn't understand these words well.

     Over time, I discovered that it's not so fantastic as what I thought, everything that I imagined. a ladder? no, it's definitely a mistake. a sequence of conferences and boring activitys, I am really getting tired. that make me feel that I am trapped by it, I long to free to be myself.

     I want to quit from it,  friends told me that would be a stain of my lifetime, I said that I will out in a right way. maybe it's not so important to me any more.

     In comparison with that I prefer to enjoy this feeling of freedom.