Extreme situations will put people in a position that we never thought we could ever imagine or encounter and also help us find the inner true self under these circumstances.  Spending all day frantically watching Survivor, I must say this is by far the most revolutionary reality show I’ve ever seen.  Besides the sheer entertainment, excitement and unpredictability, it is also a heated debate ground and experimental lab to seek the essence as to how humanity and civilization should be defined, how much they have shaped our contemporary life and where the lines should be drawn between material success and moral principles.

Most of all, I was totally inspired by the passion, capacity and skillfulness of the strongest contenders. There is always a gray area, since not everything is white or black, and sometimes, the borderline is blurry and ambiguous, which reminded me what people are capable of or willing to sacrifice, when it comes to instant benefit and better living.

For one thing, I deeply realized that what a shame it is for me the fact that I have never given my all or done my utter best for anything in my life, not even once. The lack of zeal for life or anything in general is completely staggering for me.  At school, I was always the lazy and slack one, chit-chatting in class, ignoring homework, talking my way out of trouble in teacher’s office, wasting tons of time watching TV at home instead of reading books, etc.  In college, it was pretty much the same, cutting classes, cramming before exams, sleeping in library, procrastinating every single assignment or presentation. It is a horrible, horrible truth that I’ve never felt what it is like to invest 110% effort into something and then enjoy the satisfaction and accomplishment afterwards. Churchill was right, that blood, sweat and tears are what it takes to achieve anything larger than life if you want it really bad. But I never was.

It’s pathetic and abhorrent. I’ve made so many plans and schedules and blueprints for my life but I never stick to it, abide by it. however, I do not mean that I’m not happy with my life, but that I’m not happy with me, my attitude or my effort since day one through my entire life. It’s not about where I stand or what I get, but about how much I put into it in the process, every step of the way. So I’m really adamant that my life needs to be shaken, and completely changed. From now on, I must be exactly like the competitors on the show, sparing no efforts, living the heck out of it. Otherwise, it’s not genuine at all. Just like Thoreau said it, to suck the marrow out of life, not stumbling through it.

Another thing is that, the show also talks a lot about relationships and betrayals, things alike, which reminds me of what I’ve come across on the road, such as friendship, romance, etc. I’ve never come to realize that how deeply I was hurt and traumatized by a couple of incidents and a few people. Although I was the one to call it quits, I just never see through how someone could take advantage of another human being like that. I thought I could save someone from the cliff, the abyss. I thought I met my soulmate just like that. I thought as long as a person is dedicated, considerate, caring and kind-hearted enough, she deserves to be treated well and properly in return. Instead, I was deceived, cheated, tricked, played, insulted, humiliated and completely crushed by this kind of human relations.  I was just too naïve and innocent. I guess that’s part of the reason why I wanted to step out of my comfort zone and open my eyes to see the real world. Well, the reality is pretty harsh and hard lessons are certainly learnt.

I thought I was tough, strong, quick to recovery, but I guess I’m the kind of person that takes things slowly and progressively, and everything sinks in, gets the best of me even after such a long time. Now I become a little bit paranoid, oblivious, cynical, skeptical and having trust issues. I’m willing to live alone for the rest of my life instead of being emotionally invested too much and winding up heart-broken. I guess at some point in our life, hope is just too much, truth is just too cruel, and you stop believing in love or having faith anymore, like a wounded rabbit, slowly crawling back to a corner and shutting down every door behind.

Anyway, it’s time to pull together and be the good old "cool, calm, collected" me. A fresh start in a brand new city. And a change is surely gonna come.