max: hey, I'm sleeping at Deke's house tonight.

1:Deke's house? You mean your boyfriend's dumpster?

Max：Yeah.So I need a, uh......

1:Tetanus shot? Higher standards?

Max:No, a condom. I'm about to have sex, and I want it ro feel bad

1:I should have one in my purse from the last time I had sex.

Max:They had purses the last time you had sex?

1:No, we carried animal hides tied with sticks. It hasn't been that long. oh here's one next to this movie ticket stub from precious. Okey, it's been that long.

Max:You saw precious without a condom?

1:It says,"best if used before September 2012." Just like the milk here.

Max:I wish I knew a guy with a condom.A man, auy man.Oleg, do you happen to have......

Oleg:Okey,this should get you through the night.But if it doesn't,you can use this freezer bag and a rbber band.

1:Max, I laid out the little cups,so all you have to do is fill them with Cole slaw.Said the girl who was on the Fprbes"top ten to watch"list.

Max:I can't do my side work tonight.Normally I'd say it's because I'm drunk,but tonight it's because my back hurts and I'm drunk.

3:Here,baby, I got you something that might help your back feel better.

Max:A breast reduction?

Oleg:No! Why would you spit in the face of God?

3:Everybody,clam down. Those aren't going anywhere.And if they are, I am going with them.I got some cooling patches to soothe her muscles.And when that doesn't work,

4:I have another brand called"Maui Wowie."

Deke:"Pickup",I will see you later. Love you

Max:Deke, breath. What is that?

Deke:Teriyaki beef jerky. Why, is it bad?

Max:No. Give me another hit.That is delicious.

Deke:You know it.

1:Max, since you guys are getting serious,why not go on the pill,so every night you won't have to play"what can we turn into a condom?"

Max:The pill is,like, 50 bucks a month.That's more than it costs to rause a damn baby.

1:Well,your boyfriend's rich. He can afford to pay for it.Gret, now I'm a white trash mom.

Max:no way. I'm saving Deke's fortune for more important things, like Doritos Dinamita.Pretty much the filet mignon of corn chips.

Caroline:I mean, I'm be on the pill right now,but the one man interested in me is married,so i guess that's more of a bitter pill.Seriously, Max. Think about it.

Max:Fine. Why don't guys have to take the pill? We have to take all the pills. Birth control, midol, roofies......

Nicolas:Hi,Caroline

 Caroline:Hi Nicolas. What are you doing in the diner? Oh, no, I never wanted you to see me wearing this.

Max:Yeah, so be a gentleman and take a step back,"cause an bad as it looks, it smells worse."

Nicolas:I think you look beautiful.

Caroline:Your wife looks beautiful.

Max:Oh, yeah. Get it,girl.

Nicolas:May I see you alone over there in the,uh... I guess one would call it a restaurant?

Caroline:But just for a minute. I'm working.

Nicolas: What's that smell?

Caroline:That's today's special. Beef pot pie

Nicolas: Oh, it doesn’t smell like beef.

Caroline: That’s because it’s not beef, it’s not today, and it’s not special.

Nicoline: We have all this relationship drama, and we’re not even in a relationship. Please get know me better. Come to my home for dinner.

Caroline: Dinner at your home, just you and me? How do you think your wife would feel about that?

Nicolas: We have an open relationship. Did you think I’m the type of man who would have sex with another woman without asking my wife? That is so American.

Caroline: Max?

Nicoline: Why are you calling Max?

Caroline: I want to make sure I haven’t lost my mind. Nicolas said he told his wife about me, and she gave him permission for us to sleep together.

Max: Ha! Good one! My boss at Quiznos once told me his wife’s dying wish was that I let him motorboat me.

Caroline: Okay, so she may have been motorboated out of QUiznos. But I am not falling for this.

Nicolas: Yes, I thought you wouldn’t believe me, So I set up a Skype call with her from France on Friday.

Caroline: Wait, you want me to Skype with your wife about sex? Am I on Dr. Phil?

8: Hey Everybody, I got a new dress, and it’s bitchin. Hey, look at him. Oh. Nobody told me they added beefcake to the menu.

Black: Excuse me, beefcake has been on the menu since I started working here.

8: Finally…There’s somebody in the diner as good-looking as me. Hi, I’m Sophie Kuchenski. And he’s French too? Oh, come on!

Nicolas: I’m sorry, I was in the middle of a conversation with Caroline.

Caroline: Me, the one whose feet you’re standing on.

8: Oh, wait a minute. Is this the married guy? Oh, gril! I’m gonna give you two days’ head start, and then he’s mine!

Max: Why do you care what his wife thinks about your hair? You’re not gonna be sleeping with her. Although you’d be a lot more interesting if you did.

Caroline: I’m not gonna be sleeping with him either. And when I tell his wife that, Iwant to look good doing it. I have to look 20% better than her. And since Skype makes you look 20% worse, I have to look 40% better than I do now.

Max: You realize talking about math in a hair salon is my worst nightmare, right?

Hair: Welcome to the Tristan Evans salon.

Caroline: Hi, hello. We’re here for the… student haircut.

Hair: I am sorry?

Max: The $6 haircuts for poor people from the people who don’t really know how to cut hair yet.

Caroline: Max, that’s not true. This is the Tristan Evans salon. I’m sure that everyone that’s enrolled here is a genius. At least tell me they’re gay.

Hair: Just have a seat over there. I’ll have somebody come up from the hair school and—shh!

Caroline: So loud. Hair school. Got it. We’ll just take a seat over there till they arrive.

Hair1: Girl, you just sit there, relax, and let jameis make this head major,

Max: So weird, cause I majored in head.

Hair1: Girl, you are all everything.

Hair2: I need to get conditioner.

Caroline: Damn it, Max, I got a straight one.

Max: What makes you think he’s straight?

Caroline: He keeps pushing my head down before I’m ready.

Hair1: Is the water too warm?

Max: Why? Are my pants too wet?

Hair1: Girl, are we in love?

Caroline: Max I need you to give me your gay. You weren’t even gonna get your hair done.

Max: Yeah, but I always wanted to know what it felt like to get a shampoo without a school nurse running that tiny comb through my hair.

Caroline: Let’s go. I can’t risk some discount hetero cutting my hair.

Max: I’ll see you at home. I’m pretty close to a hairgasm.

Caroline: That should’ve been mine. I haven’t had a hairgasm in years.

Max: she hasn’t had any gasm in years.

Caroline: Max, is that hair your new form of birth control? You look like Dame Edna.

Max: That’s what I asked for! Now my outside matches my inside, because I’ve always been an old drag queen trapped inside the body of a young black girl.

8: I used to wear my hair like that.I  used it to smuggle cheese and cigarettes into the prison. Hi Caroline,  just checking. Still not sleeping with that French guy that I’m sleeping with?

Caroline: Still not, Sophie. He’s married.

8: Cause I’m here to talk to that wife and throw my hoo-ha into the ring. I even bought myself a flat French hat to make me more French. Yeah, I got me the hat cause I didn’t have time to grow out my pits.

Caroline: Okay, the call is in one minute. I’ll just do it from here. I was planning to be holding my Louis Vuitton shopping bag, but the cat took a dump in it. And, Max, bring that lamp closer to my face, So I don’t have eight Skype chins.

Max: Fine, but if I get too close to the bulb, my hair might blow up.

Caroline: Here she is, Sophie, good-bye.

8: Oh, no, I’m not leaving, baby. The French hottie and I are perfect for each other. I mean, look at me. I’m wearing a beret. I have a baguette. Bonjour, bitchess!

Max: Okey, take a deep breath, and remember,  this is ridiculous.

Caroline: I just want to set the record straight about Nicolas and I. I am not the type of—

10: Yes, you have my permission to sleep with Nicolas.

Caroline: That’s it? She’s gone? I didn’t even get to say ”hos before bros” in French. So much more  to say.

8: What more is there to say? She said we could sleep with him.

Caroline: No, I’m never sleeping with Nicolas, no matter what his wife says.

Max: Good, cause you could never share a French guy. You won’t even share your French toast.

Caroline: Thanks for coming. I promise, just one drink at Nicolas’s, and then we’ll go to the movies. And, Max, I can’t believe you went out with that hair in public.

Max: The only thing this hair and my mother have in common is they’re both high.

Caroline: Nicolas, I’m not staying. I know you went to a lot of trouble with dinner, So I didn’t want to be rude, but we can only stay for one drink. But definitely no dinner.

3:Well, that dinner we weren’t staying for was delicious.

Max: Yeah, we should not stay more often.

3: I like your loft, man. It’s the perfect place to live if you like to commit really sexy crimes.

Caroline: Well, we should go.

Nicolas: No, You’re not staying for dessert?  You ‘re breaking my heart.

Caroline: Well, maybe just one piece. We can share it.

Max: I thought you didn’t want to share.

Caroline: He’s not married to his dessert, Max, And it’s just one piece.

Max: We are here, so he doesn’t get a piece.