Today I make great encouragement to write this blog. Recently I experienced a lot of frustrations, which somehow broken my heart. But I never beat down myself because I knew still brightness would turn to me in the future with my willingness and tolerance. Maybe I was doomed to have an uneven life, so I had to smile to my life and head to accept it.

As my chacracter, I am a person who is so hesitate to bring sadness to friends, because I appreciate every merits and shining points. However, I understand I am a common lady and have my own emotions. It's disadvantagous to store tolerance too much. Then I gradually learned to express out my thoughts for balancing my heart. Although, I never talked to others with verbal words, here just make use of this platform to write out my deep feelings.

Admittedly, during last four days, I was in great low mood affected by hearing the story behind which has concealed for about  one and half year. We have known each other since July in 2010. From the beginning, we both confessed our history.I trusted and understood. He told me that he had totolly broken up with his previous girlfriend. Actually if they were still in a relationship, I wouldn't accept the fact because my moral didn't permit. Sadly, I just experienced the passed time under the shadow. Was I foolish or too trustful to him?

I knew him just right after my graduation. During the period, it was also the begining of my career. I never thought of falling in love so fast because I paid great attention to my career and also had my dreams to fulfill. Everthing was so unpredictable, that was the truth. Actually, my parents endowed hope with me, and I always kept their words in heart. I clearly knew my standards and their standars. However, things wouldn't change as per expected. Honestly, my passion was lessoned and contradictory sometimes came out occasionally in the past moments, because on the one hand my career was not to my satisfaction, which meant not my long-term occupation, on the other hand, I have been put the relationship with him in heart until now. As to me, I wouldn't like to make a thougtless decison, for marriage attaches the most importance in our life not only for me, but almost everyone. So it was essential to take time to understand each other to find whether suitable or not. That's why I didn't tell my parents or others about our relationship. Once I felt so satisfied that I would have great bravery to face it. That's my character.

Undoubtedly, I could deeply touch his love to me. From my perspective, he is a person with his unique ideas, passionate and romantic. In my daily life, he cares me and also shares happiness and sorrows with me. I also gave up my previous somewhat strong side towards him. I tried to love and trust a person without losing my own principles. Sometimes he chatted with me about our future plans. I kept all in heart even though seldom expressing in words. As to me, I am selfish towards love because love is only to both sides and must be sincere. I don't mind my partner making females friends, which I hightly support, but the bottom line and principles shouldn't be broken.

On Tuesday night, as some urgent work had to be done, I opened my computer at home after taking shower. In fact, I hardly check my QQ email usually because of so many junk emails from facebook. Concerning dealing with some documents saved by me in the office, I opened my QQ emial. In a sudden, a striking topic "what's ur relationship with XX?" shocked me. It was hard to imagine how I felt at the moment. She described her current relationship with him. She said she began to doubt him after seeing one of my photos in his wallet in July. After that, she was so angry and returned home in AnHui. Then he drove to AnHui to pick her up during National Holiday. Sounded to make me envious. I didn't pay attention to her but her description. Suddenly, my heart beat jupmed so fast. I immediately took out my phone and texted SMS to him who was in business trip. I couldn't control my heart asking why he was willing to cheat and hurt me. It was hard to take the tolerance of being cheated. Not until he replied my message, I called him and cried sadly. He always told me things were not like I imagined and I didn't know his real situation. Nevertheless, unbelievable to me. I hung off the phone and laid on the bed thinking so many concealed facts. I couldn't fall asleep. He constantly typed me to explain. He said he forwarded break-up with her about 3 years ago because of character difference, but she never left him and always got entangled with him. He also admitted they didn't stay together when we both were in a relationship. I asked why she took the chance to see my photo, but he said she turned to meet him sometimes and checked his stuff without his attention. OMG. What made my hard to believe was that he always created the opportunity to the meeting with her. What was his final purpose? He admitted his mistake that as the girl didn't loose him and wanted to find my trouble aftering seeing my photo. The problem was that he didn't tell her that he had already had a girlfriend because he wanted her to get married with others ealier. So he continuously compromised her avoiding bringing troubles to me. I was really angry of his undetermination dealing with something, which finally hurted my heart. I was innocent and cheated for so long time. So unfair to me. I really couldn't accept it. My heart to him was broken and love was gradually faded away. However, he comforted me that because of his too care to me and love to me, he made such mistake. I was wondering if things didn't came out at that time, how long he will hide this fact to me, which made me really understandable. I was so diappointed in recent couple of days. However, he insisted on sending messages to comfort me and would tell me all the facts back from the business trip and end completely the relationship with her. I really hoped to suspend our relationship and broken up for enjoying my own peaceful life. Really tired of it. Shall I give the chance of explaination to him?

Right now two crossroads facing to me. I am wondering whether the God is testing my willingness or not. I really hope to end everthing and start from the beginning. Face my new career, my new life.