I happened to see him today and we had lunch together;

It has been 4 years since the first time I met him; we have a friend in common and get to know each other at a party; I flipped that time. He was never much of a looker, but he struck me as a caring and thoughtful gentle man; I was 26 years old then, and I never felt that way before; he is the one, I can tell, by intuition ;

And we really hit it off that day; I felt no pressure the first time I was alone with a complete stranger; we talked like we have known each other for a long time, no awkward, no anxiety; and it did occurred to me that I should tell him my feelings; so he could go ahead and fall in love with me; I could have been in a great relationship except it turned out that another girl was involved, he has a girlfriend;

I fell apart when I learned that; The fact just left me no chance to know his reaction if he got what was going on in my mind at that time; I failed without even a fight;

He was taken, so I couldn’t have anything to do with him;

What if it was me who met him first;

Would it have had made a difference;

I would never know;

I could not stop thinking about him after the party; we exchanged the number, and more than that, he contacted me now and then, of course, just like a normal friend; I believe that he meant me no harm, but the fact went other way around; I could not get down to my own business, I had trouble to fell asleep; I felt depressed and helpless everyday and  my mood was up and down every time I heard anything about him, my life was such a mess,

“I am his friend already”, I told me so, “I am small part of his life”,

The fact was I wanted more;

And that was impossible, like a battle I failed at the beginning; he was never mine to win;

then there was one day I could not take it anymore, so I let out my whole evil secret by guilty and ended up things with him like forever;

He might be shocked or delighted, or nothing when he got the truth, which was something I could not tell until now; and he said nothing but some crap about “when the crush is settled, you would find someone better, you deserve that, we could still be friends” and so on;

“I could not be friends with you,

It was not my place to say love, but I could wait for two years, if things did not work out with you two, please let me know;

I erased everything about him, the phone number, the text, and unfriend him on line;

I even steered cleared of him in person when he had a visit to some of his friends who happened to be in the same city with me then.

Then I graduated and changed my number two years ago; I went here to work as a doctor;

 

Actually I missed him all these years; I still want to be involved with his life, I could give up my job, my life, my friends and everything , just to be with him;

 

He got married on 2016.1.1; and I heard of that from the friend we share;

I cried so hard that night; that was the end of an era; I am fully aware that the chance to be together is slim to none, but it still sucked to lose it;

A bit ironic that they used to break two years ago; and when he got married, his wife chose to work in the same city as me; after the lunch ,I  learnt the house she rented was near around mine; of course, I am fairly  certain she did not know the first thing about me;

 What horrible coincidences;

All I expect today is a closure of my crush on him; I need to move on;

I don’t even have to tell him that; just me and my crush, which tortured me for so long

But I couldn’t.     Just the sight of him coming out of the subway from the window of the KFC, I am right back where I was.

What is it about him that makes me still care/

I do not know,

I just want to let go;