There are always reminders of his existence around me, and I often didn’t know why, why I used to pay attention to a stranger who shared even only few similarities with him, the appearance, the way he walks, he grins, or just scratches heads unconsciously. The wave of emotion to say sorry to him has never been weakened, on the contrary, are growing stronger and stronger, for some reason.

I kept being critical about his feelings on me, holding the conjecture that what he truly loved was not me and the girl he firmly believed he really wanted for nearly ten years was just a illusion, framing forever when I was still a little girl, who was 13-year-old, with clear eyes. Chances for us to know each other were lost time after time; I found myself so childish to hold that prejudice towards him stubbornly, and on the other hand, also refusing to open my heart so that he could know better about me. Uncertain about myself and him, I chose to refuse him time after time, till he gave up and back out.

Tonight, the desire to apologize is much stronger than usual. I wanted to send him messages, an email maybe, or pretending to come across him on the internet, but I gave up finally. “Is what I really want only apologize and his forgiveness?” I asked myself. “Obviously not.”His confidence in, and enthusiasm for our relationship is actually what I hope that will come back. It’s so unfair to him, for I still fail to admit the truth that I need him, still using an irrelevant way—making apologize.

If I still can’t understand myself, my true feelings, I prefer not to disturb him. Anyway, the moment I have gained enough courage to express my true feelings, I will say it aloud to him, no matter when he has a girl friend or not.