I never thought one day I had to bribe you for your love. Today is Friday, and we will pick you up tonight.  I bought you a new toy, hoping it would do the tricks to avoid the scenes you have created every time when you left Grandma for your own home.  I felt the familiar pang of rejection when I remembered your tears in such occasions. You screamed, you stomped, once you even hided your package----it’s a heavy package, but somehow you managed to drag it to a dark corner. You tried everything you could just to stay. How could things go this far?

When you were still a tiny infant at my breast, I was your whole world. You had been attached to me like glue and I was the only person who could calm you down when you were extremely upset.  However, things have changed rapidly since I went back to work. Most of time I was unable to be around. I missed so many the firsts: the first time you walked, the first time you made a friend, the first time you recited a poet, the first time you acted like a brave boy when facing with the doctor….. Time has put distance between us. You are too young for any kind of subterfuge. Your feelings are right out in the open and your love, so pure and honest, are saved only for the person who spends most time with you. Therefore, I am no longer the most important figure in your life, and instead now I am just the person who would come every Friday and snatch you away from the life you suit most.

Now when your grandma wanted you to behave well, all she needed to say is: “Behave yourself, or I will call your mum to pick you up.”  Somehow it has become the most effective punishment for you. I couldn't blame grandma for this. To deal with two rambunctious toddlers, she just needs all the ammunitions she could get. Besides, the blame is entirely on me. I know I could find a lot of excuses: I work hard to give you a better life; I have a lot of responsibilities besides being your mum; I want to be an independent person you could respect…., however none of them could justify this outcome. I just should try harder.

Last night your dad and I went into a fight when we talked about our future--what would happen after we immigrated to USA. Your dad suggested that we should leave you there if we failed to make a living and decided to come back. I said firmly that if we stay, you stay with us; if we leave, you leave with us. You dad said that I was selfish, and if I really love you I should not let my feelings cloud my judgment. Dear, honestly I don’t know if I have made the right decision, but it is the only decision I could make---the only decision a mother could possibly make. I want to be there with you. I want to see you with my eyes to grow up from a rambunctious toddler to a romping child, to an awkward teenage and then finally to a wonderful adult. I know I couldn’t be there all the time, but at least I should be there for you when you need me. If we leave you there, I knew that physically you would be well-cared for. But what about your emotional wellbeing?  Will you grow up feeling abandoned by your mother and father? And no environment would be good enough to offset that primitive response. It's a risk that I just could not afford to take.