It is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the products of my imagination or are used fictiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locals,or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

It was the sound of the telephone that broke the dead silence.

Lying in the darkness, I didn't want to move. But the telephone at my bedside was insistent. Reluctantly, I picked up the phone, puzzled. What the devil could anybody want me now? I was completely shut off from the community, wasn't I?

"Sue" 

For a moment, I thought I was dead. The familiar voice, accompanied the familiar pains was tearing me apart.

Taking a shaky breath, I heard I said. "Hello, J"

There was a brief pause. Then as if he was determined to cut this conversation as short as possible, he said quickly: "I wonder if I could come by and pick up my Vande this afternoon"

Vande, of course, his favorite Vande. What else could he possibly telephone for?

I fought to keep my voice steady, "Sure, I will go out this afternoon, but you still have the key, don't you?" I could not bring myself to meet him, not now.

"Yes, I'll leave the key when I left." There was an obvious note of relief in his voice, he continued: "Are you all right?"

The damned lump in my throat made it difficult for me to speak. Am I all right? I am fantastic! My husband left me for another woman, I lost my job, I went on a two-day's drunk. And I just couldn't be better.

"Fine, I am all right." I almost lost everything, but I couldn't bear the thought of his pity.

Hung on the phone, I got out of my bed and walked through the silent living room in my bare feet. Cold, it is. Better, it's better to feel something. The room screamed out his absence. I found his Vande in the cabinet. How melodramatically irony of it, I couldn't help but think, this innocent bag could have become the end of once-perfect marriage. I didn't remember when and why he became so infatuated with mountaineering. He traveled a lot and grew so distant. In a thousand sleepless nights when he was away, I lay in bed, fighting the nagging thought that he might never return again. And to make it worse, I was completely shut out of an important part of his life. At first, when he came home, he would talk excitedly about his ventures, about the sheer joy of taking risks. But mountaineering for me, is something that drew us apart, is something that took him away from home. I didn't like it, and I couldn't even pretend to like it. So there were fights. And finally when he came home, he tried not to talk about the mountaineering. I guess, that was when the marriage really began to disintegrate.

The emotional distance between us grew wider. We had drifted apart. I fought terribly with this fact. I wanted those old days back, I wanted so badly but I didn't know how to do. Then one day, like some kind of craze nightmare, I found out there was another woman involved. It wasn't happening. It couldn't be. But here she was, to share joys and excitements with him in a world I could never manage to get into. It was as though the earth had caved in on me. I felt suddenly sick to my stomach. I beg, I yelled, I created the scenes that embarrassed us all. I knew, I knew what I was doing had just worsen the situations. But I couldn't help it. How could you expect me to behave myself when my whole world was falling apart? Then he said: "Sue, I was just tired."

That's all. Every word was a knife stabbing into me. It's my entire fault? I couldn't understand. All I understood was that he was tearing me apart.

Now he came for his Vande. He would walk away and move on with his life. But I am still living in a time warp. Perhaps somewhere, in another dimension of time and space, we were still happily married, laughing and carefree and loving. No, I must stop thinking like that. I took a deep breath, trying to shake some sense into myself. He would arrive within a few minutes, and it's time to pull myself together and leave now. I showered and dressed quickly in my jeans and a T-shirt. To my surprise, my once tight jeans were just about staying up with the aid of a belt. I shivered a little at my reflection in the mirror. I was terrible with black circles under my eyes and my lips chapping and chewing on. I looked like a ghost. Perhaps I was---for all these days, I seemed to be living outside of my body, numb to everything but the pain in my heart.

For the first time over these days, I went out of the door. The sun was so bright in the cloudless sky that I couldn't open my eyes for a moment. With each brush of wind that passed my face, the sweet scent of jasmine filled my nostrils. Amazingly, I felt---better. Perhaps I should have gong out for some fresh air as they suggested. After all, divorce was not the end of the world. I hesitated for a few minutes, because I had no idea where to go. Then I made my decision and headed to the park nearby. It’s the place we used to hang around. The sharp-pebbled stones scraped my feet with every step. I wanted to run away, but I knew I had no place to hide any more. A few kids were playing on the sands, all giggling and cheering. I sat myself on the bench and watched them playing. A little girl among them was so pretty and joyful that I could not tear my eyes apart from her. She was no more than three years old. The whole world seemed to be a big play yard full of magic and her small face dissolved into the expression of pure wonder. She reminded me of the baby I once had but lost in an accident. Would it be different if I didn’t? She plucked up a yellow flower and tottered towards her mother. Her mother gave her a big hug, and whispered something to her. When she looked towards at me, I realized that I must have stared at her for a long time. I smiled embarrassed and lowered my eyes. But the little toddler ran toward me and gave me the yellow flower. She enchanted me with her angel like smile, and something icy and hard in my heart thawed gradually. Before I said thank you, she left. Staring at the yellow flower in my hand, tears swelled up. For the past days, I had been so busy shutting myself out of the outside world. Isolation was not a cure because the wound would not heal with time passing by unless you plucked up the courage to accept the past, and move on to the future.