I’m stuck with two choices: Jump into actions, cram my life into a tight schedule, and wishfully hope one day all my efforts might be paid off; or just sit around, indulging myself in a generous dose of whims and slacks, and let life happen to me.

If I were still in my 20’s, no doubt that I would have a fine go at the first one, because back at that time, everything seemed to be up for takes. At that time I believed if I try really hard, I could make things different and make life happen. The cockiness of youth, how I missed it. Now things are quite different. I’ve no longer hold to my faith in “hard work is its own reward” credo. Life is short, why waste a lot to pursue the impossible? Besides, I’ve always been a small person with small dreams and if I just could ignore that inner warning voice---call it middle-age insecurities if you want—I could be perfectly content with my lot in life. Perhaps dealing with insecurities is just like dealing with other emotions---you give in, they will own you; you resist, they never will. So rise above them.  Stop reacting and act.

Ok, enough broodings. Let’s start with something more practical. I haven’t written anything for quite a long time. No matter what my decision might be, I guess I should resume this habit, the sooner the better.

Here are some updates. Not many, my life is just like usual: normal, peaceful, filled with trivial issues and manageable concerns. Right now, my first concern is about my son. Out of blue, he suddenly showed great reluctance to go to the kindergarten. He squirmed, screamed and made a great scene every morning when we dropped him at the kindergarten gate. It never happened before. First I thought it was just post-holiday phenomenon, but it’s been a week now. What had triggered his bizarre behavior? No amount of prying, cooing, or badgering could get anything useful from a three-year old. Explain simply is too complicated to gain entrance into their vocabulary. They only know one way to express their feelings, direct and simple: That is to cry their heart out. I decided to give his teachers a call today and see if I could figure this puzzle out.

And there is another thing mentionable. My parents, my husband, my son, my nephew and I, a big group of six, will go to Sanya next week and spend five wonderful days beside the beach. It’s the first time for my son to take airplane and see the sea, and I just can’t wait! The only question is: Who could back me up during this period? Doris is out, because she already decided to resign. It didn’t come as a surprise. Honestly, this job is easy, but surely not attractive enough to hold a girl like Doris. In fact, it surprised me that she even managed to stay that long. Easy, but no promise and no future. And for her, there even is no financial reason. Come on, the money she made here could hardly cover her car cost, so why bother?

Perhaps it’s time for me to think about my future too. I’ve been caged here for too long, and it almost has become a shame. But that can wait, at lease until I came back from my vacation. Things would be fine, I hope.