My cell phone blasted out suddenly, shattering the silence which should not have been disturbed. I picked it up, frowning a little at the name on the screen. Paused for a moment, I opened the desk drawer, threw my cell into it, and then closed the drawer firmly. Everything went back to its former peace---but unfortunately it’s only for a while. Several minutes later I heard a loud knocking on the door.

“Open the door!” a familiar voice demanded, calm but hiding certain undoubtedly authority.

I remained silent, contemplating the possibility that he would finally give up and go away but in the end I submitted to the unavoidable.

Opening the door, I stared into two familiar eyes---perhaps too familiar.

“Why not answering the phone?” he asked, his voice not containing the slightest accusation or curiosity---it’s a simple statement rather than a question demanded for some answer.

“Not interested.” I shrugged and went back into the room.

“So for how long this withdrawn, unhappy role you plan to play?” he threw a sharp question in my face even before he stepped inside.

“I am not unhappy; I’m simply not in the mood for communication.” I retorted.

“Really? Why? Don’t tell me that was because the weather was too hot---you already used that excuse for the last time.” He said in that easy way of his that in no way disguised the iron behind it.

 I signed. I hate him to do that. He might be a person who thrives on challenges, but I could never feel comfortable about any challenge—even the one for a noble reason.

I knew today there was no easy way out. After all here’s my family, Sprawling, brawling, ferociously overachieving, refusing to let me withdraw.

 “Okay, the logic part of my mind might have said that it was the classic case of post-inactiveness after sickness, but the personal part would not have commented as it had no idea what was going on.” I kept my tone cheerful so the tension wouldn’t show through.

“In English.” He demanded with another frown.

“That is, I am too lazy to move a finger--for no reason. You know I am not much of a people person, and I think after all these years, I deserve some time for break.”

“Four months are too long for a vacation. Sorry to tell you that, but you can’t afford any more idleness. Time to move your butt and get out!” The sentence was spoken slowly, aggression coloring each word.

Then I knew I had nowhere to hide.

Before I went out, I looked into the mirror and found a woman with a typical pleasant smile, but that smile never touched her eyes---no one could find out---that’s the result of years after years practice.

Vaguely I remembered many years ago, a little girl told someone: “I don’t like people. I feel uncomfortable around them. They don’t like me either, they call me a freak.”

Someone said: “You can pretend. Practice in front of the mirror, plaster your face with a pleasant smile, then you would be fine.”

Honestly, I hate pretence, but he was right, like always. I can't afford any more idleness. My insecurity went bone deep. After so many years, the frightened little girl still craves stability so badly that she’s already constructed a system of rules to make herself feel safe, and obviously that system doesn’t include idleness.

I signed. Life moves on and time to back to the game.