Last month, my family had a nine-day trip to Malaysia. I’d planned and arranged this trip all by myself, from flights booking, hotel arrangement to island hopping, airport pick-ups, I’d put everything into consideration.   It’s a well-planned trip as it should be, expect one thing—I forgot to prepare myself well for this trip. When we arrived, I caught myself tongue-tied for a very simple expression. Suddenly I’d realized that I’d dropped English for a very long time, too long, actually.

Today, I visited my space here and found that the last post left was on September, 2013---almost two years ago. How time had flied!  Once I’d thought I would never stop learning English. For one thing, English is like an old friend to me, sometimes annoying, sometimes frustrated, but always a dear old buddy to me. For another, I’m such an insecure freak, remember? I’ve never been a quick learner, and I know if I ever stopped, I would be left behind in a stunning speed.

Sometimes it’s just easier to flow with life than to fight for it. I know I could phrase it in a different way and find a dozen sound reasons for my giving-up. After all there is always something more important—my kid, my family, my job and etc. However, deep in my heart, I know all the above-mentioned is nothing but a poor excuse.

It’s simply easier this way. It’s easier to give up something you’ve strived for so long but nothing seriously had turned out. It’s easier to idle away the times when you were supposed to fumble with those difficult words that you might forget the very other day. It’s easier to indulge yourself in a book written in your own language than a frustrating reading you might have spent double or even triple times to grasp the meaning of it.  At first, you might be caught with occasionally guilt, the sense of floating untethered, but finally you would get used to it and learned how to ignore the inner call. See, how simple it is.

However, after years of running away, now I have to bring myself to face with this question: Do I really want to give it up? I mean totally, no turning-back kind of way.  Yes, there is no imperative rush for me to pick up English. After surviving from three rounds of the company’s downsize, for now, my job is temporarily secured. Besides, I’ve already got a backup plan----none of them need my English skill. In fact, most of English Major might have faced with the same awkward situation: there is not much places for us to use what we’ve learned in college.  It’s not easy to hang on to something without enough outward motivation.

Still, I can’t give it up. After all years of hard work, all years of sweaty efforts, I just can’t. So, today, I came back here.  I don’t know how long I could go forward this way, but like the often-used phrase: “Let me try”.