Depression, like staying young and keeping fit, is doomed to be a losing battle but I just can’t give up fighting. For years, I’ve tried to create an optimist image and stay that way. I’ve shared happy, positive moments of learning, travelling, exercising in WeChat Moments, I’ve kept all the negative things and dark thoughts deeply inside my heart, and I’ve tried my best to hold on to a positive attitude as if my whole lifeline depends on it.

However, being born to a sensitive person, I’m so damn easily being upset. Only myself knew all the efforts, all the costs that I have taken behind every smile on the face.  Because I am sensitive, I know how annoying it could be to the others to deal with a sensitive person. So I’ve tried not to cause any troubles. I’ve tried so hard to keep my emotions in check, tried not to feel so much, to feel so strong. However, is it something I can take control of? On the surface, I’ve made some progress. I’ve always been polite and easy going. But in fact, I’ve just carefully kept a safe distance with the others. As for the inside, who cares?

Being occupied helps. So I keep as busy as I can. I work, I take care of house chores, and for the rest of time, I learn, I do exercise. I allow myself no time to feel, to think. Positive attitudes lead to positive action, or reaction, even a forced up one. However, you can force a positive attitude, but you cannot force a positive thinking. So sometimes, depression still haunts you. Like today, like now.

I’ve been under the weather since last night. My headache hurts and my muscles, my limbs seemed to turn into the water. I went to bed earlier and let my husband taking care of things at home. This morning, I still didn’t feel well. But I had to get up early and send my son to school. And I saw a total mess. Leftover food still stayed at the table, dirty clothes everywhere, garbage bin already overfull. And I heard my son said accusingly: “I wash the dishes, but its dad’s responsible to tide up the table, he did nothing.” I know my husband is a house chore virgin, and now he is determined to keep this virginity to the grave? Frustrations, along with all the other negative feelings washed over my body.  “Don’t fuss over the trivialities.” I told myself again and again, still I can’t help it.

Love is verb. Stop all the sweet talks and just do something if you really care.