When you get cancer, it’s the end of many things. First of all, you have to kiss goodbye to your orderly, highly structure life, I know sometimes life is a bitch, but at least it’s a healthy bitch. So it’s the end of a normal life.

And then just image that you stripped off in front of male doctors for CT scan, and before you got time to put your cloths back on, the next patient, carried by his son, already broke in. Oh yeah, it’s the end of your privacy.

It’s the end of economical lifestyle—not for me yet, but I guess it might be very soon. Many patient pals start to squander the money. It’s like carrying a bomb in your body and you start to realize “I haven’t enjoyed my life yet! There are so many places I wanted to visit but not, so many items I wanted to buy but not. And what’s the use of saving money any way, for my husband’s next wife? “ So, you see. I used to keep a record of every yuan I spent. This habit has been with me for almost 10 years but now I’m thinking about quit. For example, my account today would be: Breakfast: 10 yuan; Railway: 5 yuan; Hospital: 23981 yuan---it’s like a bad joke that hurts.

And sometimes it’s also the end of your dignity or wisdom---I am not sure which one it is. It’s been more than two months since I got ill and I’ve been to the hospital like a hundred times, but I still haven’t figure out some procedures, which combines with Are-you-stupid-kind-of-look from the assistant doctors made me start to question my IQ.

For example, how to buy targeted delivery drugs (PS, extremely expensive) is still a mystery for me. The first time, my doctor wrote my prescription, and I went through some procedures. So at the second time, I assumed it’s the same. My doctor was not there, and her assistant refused to write out prescription because they only write it on every Tuesday. It’s already the last day for my treatment, so I had to beg her to prescribe. I pestered her for about half an hour. She finally agreed, but she threw me her signature killing look, as if saying: “Leave me alone, you filthy insect!”. This time, I remembered the Tuesday thing, and because I was on drip that day, so I asked my mum to do it for me.  Half an hour later, my mum came back with tears in her eyes. I was pretty shocked because my mum seldom cried. That lady, or perhaps she was actually the queen of the universe? still refused to write out prescription. Quote: I didn’t know what you are talking about. Can you even speak? （话都说不清楚！）” My mum was 70 years old.  She might not know the name, but whe brought all the paper with her. My mum asked all the doctors she could find, and finally someone told her where to get the prescription.

I thought this time everything would be OK. I am so navie. When I reported my prescription, and I was told that my application is overdue! Nobody told me anything. And I had to find the queen of the universe again. ----here, I really didn’t want to relieve it.

Another patient once said: “Because of this disease, dignity has become something to stamp on.” Perhaps the queen of the universe really hates us, or perhaps she is just overstressed, either way, it’s not worthy of getting angry. Yeah, perhaps it’s not easy.

You know, it could be worse. But as long as it’s not the end of hope, we could handle it. And hope it’s in our heart, nobody except yourself can end it.