“I can’t focus, and I’ve been light headed all the day. I feel like I am going to faint.”

“My armpit hurts. Can you feel a lump here? Perhaps I should go to the hospital, perhaps it’s lymph cancer…”

“My heart just gave a terrible throb. Seriously, I am not imaging it. There must be something wrong with my heart!”

“My breast hurts! I just found out that even a man can have breast cancer!”

I took a deep breath, counting at heart one, two, three…. Let him talk. Don’t take it seriously. Don’t reason with a patient.

But, I was so close to explode, seriously. Day after day, over and over, endless and ruthless……It’s just so damn hard.

It’s like, you know, you are walking barefeet on the hellfire, and you are stumbling on, without knowing how long it is going to last. You are trying to drive your thoughts in any direction other than the hospital, the disease. You force aside all the sufferings, the fears you feel every minute and bring into focus something else, anything that can hold your attentions. But, always, always, there is a nagging voice whining:” Oh God, I burnt my figure and it’s so painful!” And you need to comfort him: “Oh, it’s so terrible. I know it’s hard, but it won’t last and you will be fine.” Inside, you are screaming: “Don’t you see where I am now?” Yes, it’s so damn hard.

Okay, I know I am not fair here. He is suffering from the anxiety. His mind perhaps has amplifies, multiples what he is suffering physically. His over concerns drive his mind dangerously close to the brink. And my disease has worsened his condition. He can’t help it. I should be patient. Empathize.

But, but, but!!!! I am just an average person and I have my demons to fight with. I am definitely not a super-iron-woman.

What’s my dream world? Simple, a healthy world, mentally and physically. Am I asking too much?