Y2019 turned out to be the longest year in my whole entire life. To say it stretches out into an eternity is not a sort of overstatement. Actually my life in this year split into two distinct epochs: Before the diagnosis and After.

Before the diagnosis, I had no use for a word like “demarcation”; before, I floated through life from one busy moment to the next. Before, I thought I knew where I was and where I was going to be; Before, I thought I already had hit the bottom and it could not become any worse. Before, death was something very far away. What happened before, right now I look back, seems to belong to another person, to another life.

In that life, I was so busy, trying to find a balance between work and family. I was so worried and tensed, striving to find an ideal school for my son. I was so irritated by my husband’s ridiculous concerns about his health and his indifferent attitude toward the obvious pressing problem: “He got a school to go, so what’s the big deal?” Even it’s a school far away from home, a school with a very bad reputation---for him, nothing was more important than another health check. It pissed me off and left me totally, completely helpless and frustrated. I hated myself for that so I’d tried my best to better myself or perhaps just not to be like him. I went to another extreme. I ignored all the warning signals from my body and I refused to go to the hospital. When I had to, it’s already a bit too late. My lump was so big that my breast was as hard as a rock with red spots all over. The doctors were all speechless: How could you come here so late?” My cancer has already spread to my armpits, to my clavicle and my bones.

You see, going to the extreme is deadly, and nothing good will come out of it.

After, all of my previous worries, indignant, bitterness and angers, if not evaporated, at least all reduced into the minimum. Survive Rule No 1: peace of mind.

After, regular visits to the hospital, one treatment after another. Light-headed, nauseous, ached all over and always, always have a running stomach. A once good meal becomes something you need to fight to swallow. So much a body can endure. Survive Rule No 2: Embrace all the sufferings with a smile.

After, Give up running, quit coffee, and stay away from any spicy food. Still, I manage to keep my life as normal as possible. I keep my daily learning, I replace running with brisk walk, I take adventures with my readings. Survive Rule No 3: hold on to all the things you can control when everything else go out of control.

Finally, finally, finally I make peace with myself and my family. I learn to accept the life as it comes.

With Y2020 around at the corner, so many things still remain unknown. Hope strengthens, fear kills. Embrace the future when I still have one.