How do you feel after you gave a call to your father? I know for many it’s just a silly question. Then to be more precisely, how do you feel after you gave a call to your father, who you haven’t talked with for about twenty years? That sounds a bit intriguing, isn’t it?

If I have to choose a word to describe it, it would be empty. It’s not there-is-nothing kind of empty, but after-a-tempest-everything-has-been-washed-out kind of empty—a bit of awkward, sadness, joy, bewildered and embarrassment all blended together into this final nothingness.

It’s complicate; even there is not a complete story behind it. We just drifted apart after my parents got divorced. It takes time and energy and efforts to maintain a relationship. And we simply were not that close. It’s like many people in your life, they come and go, leaving some memories and traces behind, and that’s it.

He is my father. Biologically and genetically we are related. However, this is no guarantee that we should be connected in life. Probably it’s nobody’s fault, such things just happened.

Occasionally I would think of him, ---as a rather vague figure, a distant memory blurring into the time. It never occurred to me, that one day I need to give him a call.

To issue my birth certificate, I need his ID card. The thing is, when they got divorced, there was no such thing as an ID card.

His voice on the phone sounded like a stranger and in fact, we talked like two strangers in a business---polite and careful. There are so many things I can talk about, like “How are things going all these years? “ “You have a grandson who is 12 years old now.” “I once returned to our home but everything has changed and I couldn’t find it.” “I have a cancer. I might die. Sometimes I am scared, dad.”

I said none of these during that call. Still we managed to share some news. Mostly, I asked questions, and he answered. So I know he’s retried, super-healthy and he likes driving around. Last year he even drove all alone to Tibet. As a 70 year old man, it’s something. My half-brother is 30, working at a bank now. 

There was a silence afterwards but neither of us hung up the phone.

I added him as my WeChat friends. The last message from he is: My phone number hasn't changed for twenty years. I stared at it. Perhaps, perhaps there is still a chance between us.