Anxiety started to form in my chest. It was building up and then exploded like a grenade.

Hands trembling, I swallowed all of those pills down. Perhaps it’s just trepidation, perhaps I was imagining it, but I did feel my stomach churning like a washing machine. Calm down, not that soon, calm down. I murmured. And I stared at my stomach, trying to pep talk to her: “Be strong this time, Okay?”

I felt like a lunatic so I started to do yoga, trying to activate all of my cells to fight. This time, I am going to win. I have to.

It’s the third round that I am trying this. In the previous rounds, at first everything was fine. Then it started from minor diarrhea—nothing serious that I could not stand. But it was just the beginning of the torture. Minor would soon become serious, then overwhelming---in the end, I felt as if I couldn’t leave my bathroom. I got stuck in that filthy place and I just lost all of my appetites. Anything I ate would make my stomach burn like fire. I ended up like rotten flesh in bed. My husband would scream: Stop, it would kill you before the cancer did.

So I had to stop. I didn’t know why it happened to me. I’ve taken this treatment for almost two years. It has never been so unbearable, so horrified. I remembered I did suffer from diarrhea in the first or two months. But it lasted only a short time. This time, the fact that it might stretch forever enhanced largely its power.

I should consult my doctor. But even I was able to make an appointment, I doubt she could solve this problem. There might be two options for me: first, hang in there. Endure. Suffer---that’s your destiny. Second, change the treatment for some expensive medicines. But no guarantee. Other medicines also have their own side effects. The point is, this new treatment can’t last long. In December, I would go to the US and see the doctor there, which means by that time I have to change treatment again. So why bother? The question is, could I survive by then?

That’s why I give it another try for present treatment. Just hope this time there would be some luck.