I have social phobia. It’s hard to tell whether it is written in my genes or I just got it from somewhere in my childhood. The thing is, I suffer from debilitating nerves whenever I have to talk to a stranger. The fact that I got sick retired and have a whole two-years’ to myself has just made it even, if possible, worse.

But now I have to go back to the society. Honestly, I would be happy if I could have a job again. I am an insecure freak. I need to know where and when my next paycheck coming from. The desire to stand on my feet again somehow alleviate my social phobia.  

Besides, I can always act.

“Shyness is a selfish act.” Others would say. The world is extrovert, to survive, an introvert has to play the role. I’ve already learnt how to paste a permeant smile on my face and cover my nervousness with quick speech in front of the others. And nobody would even notice. 

Here I’m going to brace myself up for an interview. I have to step into a role of professional, healthy woman and ace this test.

On the way to the office, I rehearse the interview in my mind to make sure that I don’t miss anything. My normally bushy hair is brushed into a neat bun, my nails is buffed, and I am wearing my best “approachable” yet responsible, confident yet down-to-earth, professional yet not too proud outfit. I successfully transfer myself into another human being.

Perhaps not so successfully. When I sit in the room, I have to cram my hands between my knees to stop trembling. I can actually feel my head wobbling, but I will myself to concentrate.

My interviewer is a nice lady. At first, we go through a few interviewing-by-numbers questions of the kind I have come to expect---outline your weakness and strength---describe a difficult situation and how you handled it---the usual stuff. Part of my want to scream and run, but the bigger part of me take control. I have answered these before a dozen times inside my head, so my responses are practiced and even standard.

“What attracted you to apply for this job?” She asked.

Wow, this is a big question. A sentence in their advertisement flashed into my mind: Available your first day: Full medical, vision and dental employee-only plans available at no cost to the employee. I have to say this benefit caught my attentions almost immediately and that’s the real reason why I apply for this job: I need full medical care to get treatment for my cancer.

“Well,” I feel myself flounder and force myself to continue “I’m interested in this field. And I think my rich experience in data-analyzing makes me a good fit for this job.” Lame, very lame. But I am not a good liar, even when I’m playing a role of a confident woman. That’s all I can manage.

Back home, the polite, people-pleasing relax into a weary neutrality. When I put off my coat, I felt like I was shedding layers of pretense and back to the woman behind the façade: anxious, exhausted---the woman who wants nothing but laying on the sofa with a book, and pushing everything, everything aside.