Chapter 2:

    Things became more complicated since my single life change into double. I met my husband in our company, and I decided to marry him as soon as we had first date. I tell you in fact I am a fast-decided and fast-do person. I always know what exactly I want. This story is an only exception.

    My husband differs from little R in many terms. Little R is thin and tall while my husband is short stout; L.R is covered by blue fog while my husband full of confidence and fearlessness. I ever thought L.R was romantic and my husband totally a realist. But now I don’t think it accurate. Every man is realist, including little R. I can only conduct a practical description. Imagining a setting: little R is a boy wandering in a bar, drinking and entertaining with his friends; my husband, a typical office man sitting in the meeting room, discussing with his colleagues.

   This surface difference confused me very much. I always doubted the love from my husband. In fact what I doubted was the method of his love. I wondered he was willing to pay for me, make living with me or he only could do that. I became entangled in searching what was true love. I had no criteria; I had no answer of course. I couldn’t be satisfied. Furthermore I felt shame about myself. I blamed me bitterly. This kind of complex tortured me seriously.

    I couldn’t face the real world well. I acted as an externally normal woman in a long period. I worked hard, did housework. I bought a house, got married and had a baby. But my mood was so unstable; I often jumped at somebody unconcerned. What I often lost was not only my temper but also my brain. I couldn’t make proper decision. I didn’t know what exactly life I want. Settle down, or break out? My heart became a Warfield. I fight with myself.

     Maybe you think me want to recover with little R? No, even I lost my mind I could definitely realize that way not the exit. As I told you previously, every maybe became reality. We had been split into two world whatever in term of spirit or material. In the school, score dominated all of us while in the adult world, money does. Reverse was not my destination; I want a paradise. I was pursuit of a heaven where was no money or scores, no such thing to govern our heart so we could clear our brains to make a true selection. Apparently I couldn’t touch the sky, what I could do was to torture myself.