I formed another habit as weird as the sleeping with moist eyes. I freed my imagination lying in bed till I fell asleep. I didn’t dream about him once. I just imagined the future of us with sober brain if we didn’t break up or if we met again.   What would happen? What plot would more attractive or more reasonable? Little R finally became my night film’s leading role, even his figure and characteristic were designed by me. He was not a real person; he was an actor. Actually since we had separated for so many years, I had almost forgotten the real story happened between us and his real look and disposition.

    Ironically this romantic daydream didn’t work. I was not a good screenwriter. I was always stuck in my plot, didn’t know how to develop it. What we could say if we met again? What emotion was necessary or natural for us? What action should I take, pour myself excitedly or stick calmly? What would happen between my parents and his parents if we need to get marry? Where should we live in if we wanted together? How did we get on well with? Could he do housework? Could he earn his bread? Obviously, I couldn’t find answer in the real world, couldn’t I in imagination. I thoroughly didn’t know what a person he was, that was not the point. I didn’t know what a women I was, that was terrible. If I knew, I could easily draw out the action I will take and the speech I will give. Furthermore I couldn’t split the reality from my daydream. I accustomed my real life with rich materials. I couldn’t give up them in my daydream. In certain sense, it was not a struggling to find a solution of our problem; it was a procedure for me to find myself.

     This habit lasted too long to develop fresh scenarios, I became tired and want to rest. Since it was a habit, it meant hard to change. I accustomed to do that. Or I would toss and turn for a long time before I fell asleep. Till now, this story was not a romantic one or a sad one, it was embarrassed. I didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry. At least I was not foolish enough to keep it on. I realized the fancy should be desert, I need some practical methods.