Attempt No.1: changing my pre-sleep habit.

I must desert building fancy night cinema, stop toss and turn in the bed. A useful way popular many years is reading a book. Making this formula more powerful is reading an English book. I had finished a thick book of five hundred and twelve pages from Dale Carnegie, lifetime plan for success. It had a little work cause some night it spurred me up to ponder on his theory carefully. Maybe War and Peace should be more suitable for my serious symptom. Many students have such experience of falling in unconsciousness soon listening English test record. But I hate bringing any electric devices into my bedroom. This suggestion is un-achievable. This attempt has not reached its success, but it eased me a little. I will go on.

Attempt No.2: facing little R naturally.

It was a hard task, but I achieved. Why must I do that attempt? Reason No.1: It is unavoidable to meet him since he was my high-school-mate. Maybe due to severe competition, your high school life did not so sweet and friendship of your classmates was not so intimate. But mine is not so. We depended on each other because all of us left home to study in this strange city. We, little town girls and boys, were more independent than the city children. We made big decision by ourselves, looked after each other and made our own society relationship. I treasure this friendship so I often find the chance back my hometown to meet old friends. Reason No.2: facing him suffered me mostly. Every time I met him I became so uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to talk not only him but also my other friends. I couldn’t be cheered up though I was very happy to see them. So in every our old-time party my performance was silence and motionlessness. In case my husband found my secret, I never brought him to our meeting. So every time after our gathering, I felt so bad—unhappy and ashamed. There was a very dramatic meet happened between us almost three years ago, the time both of us had get married for a couple of months respectively. It happened in a bar which he invited our high-school-mates and me to entertain. In that bar, we happened to see his brother. Little R. had a sweet action when we were intimate. In spite how tiny future we had and how young we both were, he treated this relationship seriously so he introduced me to all his friends and relatives, his cousins, aunts, uncles, of course including his old brother. His brother didn’t forget me and was exciting to meet me. He sat by me and talked to me heartedly. He told me he regretted I didn’t become his sister-in-law, and he pointed his little brother and cursed him as a jerk! As for me, listened to him quietly and shed tears unconsciously. I really didn’t know I had shed tears. That scared his brother and him. His brother shut his mouth and he, flied to me, but dared not to touch me. He only sat by me, dropped his head to ask for my punishment. How could I slap him? Why should I do that? He did nothing wrong, so do I. Then what did the tears mean? This accident made my confusion more complex. I didn’t understand why I acted so strange. The tears meant what. If it implicated I still loved him, what could I do about my husband? Did I not love him but why I chose to marry him? What on earth a woman I was? Maybe somebody would comfort me by telling me that was just an accident which occurred at a certain moment, it meant nothing. Yes, I had observed this law. I kept telling myself it was nothing and pretended to act as an average new-married woman. But you must confess it is hard for everyone to omit your own sense. You can surrender to money, surrender to threaten, but you can not veil your real emotion and cheat yourself. In a long period I couldn’t keep my heart lake clear like a spring and smooth like a mirror.