As for how I could achieve it later, it was natural. After I had birth my baby, my attention transferred. I began to make decision from my baby’s sake. In the child’s eye, his father and mother should be loved each other, I stopped thinking about if I loved my husband or not. We should love each other. If we didn’t, we should pretend to do that for our baby. I stepped out of my mud ditch, focused my attention on another place. I found a different perspective. From then on I met him once, friendly and naturally and left with happiness. So the real problem is not only the difficulty to facing him but also another. That is why I didn’t point out someone’s suspicion that my previous strange performance originated from the love I remained on him. I had proven this suspicion was wrong. It was not the point. Point is I am lack of skills of communication but I don’t realize it for many years. If I were a good communicator, this confusion would be solved soon by having a talk with him or with my friend for chatting each other was an effective way to relief, far better than that explosive way I had performed like a soap opera. For expanding on this point, we must go back to my childhood, back to my old dominator, scores. Do you remember I had told you I was the beneficiary of that system? But from another side, I was also a victim too. Good scores covered all my defeats, even a fatal one. No one warned me that my poor communication capacity would spoil my rest of life. Everybody convinced me I would gain a good future since I had a good school report. The scores protected me from all of setback. Let me do not know how to face it. Even don’t know where it comes from. I reconsidered my attitude about that affair which seemed to affect my life severely for many years. Cruel conclusion was my life had little changed if that thing did not happen. What leads my life is my character.

Attempt No.3: refocusing on my current life.

First theory: I would unlock me from the prison. We are not guilt. I began to realize that was not shamed to have a love story. I did nothing wrong, so did him, whenever in the relationship or after breaking up. When we fell in love, we treated this relationship sincerely. And after our break-up, we didn’t disturb each other’s lives; we acted like an adult should do. Yes, I had told him that: you did nothing wrong, I am living in happiness now. What was his reaction? He just replied me that: we had been different world at all. Yes, he was also not easy on this emotion. We tortured each other. I had acknowledged that for a long time. One of us must withdraw from that whirl. That would be good for both of us. I decided to retreat. I knew he was not happy but the only thing I could do was let him be. It is my right direction. As for my husband, he is not a replacement or a comparison to little R. They have the same characteristics. They are both warm man. Because I am a chill and stubborn girl, I am always attracted by radiation the warm person released. I chose my husband not only because it was time to marry while I was lonely. He lured me and I lured him. We are common couple; I am not a craze woman. I can confess both of them are my true love, difference is one was yesterday, the other is today.

Second theory: this fact is very fatal in china. As a Chinese woman I should be relief that we, little R. and I had no any sex relation from beginning till now. Hey, maybe some little boys and girls will wow to me when they read this information. We were just a shallow love, was it worth for me to be entangled for so long? Ok, I am glad to explain it to you. I don’t care what you think, the true was one: I had no idea about how to have a sex contact when I was seventeen and eighteen; two: we had no room, no time, and no advantage to experience it at all. I had discussed this issue with my girlfriend what would be if we had the sex experience? Her opinion was the condition would be worse than now. I don’t offense sex experience. Love and sex are the same pure and treasure things. But from the realistic point of view, it is better than had sex experience with a man not became your husband. That will bring troubles to you not only from your husband but also from your own bottom line of morality.

From above point of view, my condition is not worse, not weird, it isn’t right? All of us are good person, little R. my husband and me. We deserve our happy life forever.