English Humor Part 2

12. Sand and Fur Coat

Tom: Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye and she had to see a doctor. It cost me three dollars.

John: That is nothing. Last week a fur coat went into my wife's eye and it cost me three hundred dollars.

　

13. No Hoes

A thirteen-year-old boy was sitting on the sofa watching TV when the telephone rang.

“Hello, my son,” it was his father's voice, “Where is your mother.”

“Mother is out working in the garden.”

“What!” barked the father, “your mother is not as young and strong as she used to be. Why aren't you helping her?”

“I can't.” was the reply. “Grandma is using the other hoe!”

　

14. Coincidence

A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer.

“What a terrible voice!” he said. “Do you know who she is?”

“Yes,” was the answer. “She is my wife.”

“Oh, I beg your pardon,” The man said, “Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song.”

“I did.” was the answer.

　

15. I Can't See

An Irishman was once serving in a regiment in India. He did not like the climate there and decided to think out a trick by which he could get home. He went to the doctor and said to him, “My eyesight is very bad. Can you help me?”

The doctor looked at him for a while and then asked, “Well, but bow can you prove to me that your eyesight is bad?”

The Irishman looked about the room and at last said, “Well, doctor, can you see that nail on the wall?”

“Yes.” Replied the doctor.

“Well then,” said the Irishman, “and I can't.”

　

16. Tom Saw a Tiger

“Last week,” Tom said to his friend Ned, “I went for a walk in a large park. It was very cold; the wind was blowing. Suddenly I saw a tiger.”

“What did you do?”

“I looked at him, put my hands into my pockets and went home,” answered Tom.

“Did he run after you?” asked Ned.

“No, he didn't. You see, it was in the zoo.”

　

17. All Languages Spoken

An Englishman arrived at a hotel in France and read the following words on the door: “All languages spoken here.”

He spoke to the manager in English, German and Russian, but received no answer. At last he asked in French: “Who speaks all the languages here?”

“The hotel guests,” was the answer.

　

18. Ten Cents

Robert asked his mother for ten cents. “What are you going to do with the money?” “I'm going to give it to a poor lady, “he answered. “You are a good boy,” said the mother proudly. “Here you are. But why are you so interested in the old lady?” “She is the one who sells ice-suckers.”

　

19. A Polite Boy

Little Tom, in a crowded bus, is sitting on his father's knees. An old lady gets on the bus, and the boy at once jumps down and says: “May I offer you my seat?”

“Thank you, little boy. You are really a good child!”

　

20. Are You Going to Dance?

Everybody was dancing while a young girl sat alone in an armchair. Just then, she was happy to see a handsome young man coming towards her.

“Are you going to dance?” asked the man pleasantly.

“Yes,” she whispered.

“Good,” he said, “May I have your seat then?”

　

21. A New Son

Old man: May I sit here?

Young man: No, you can't. The seat is occupied.

Young man : (to a beautiful girl) Eh…yes. The seat was for her. She is my sister.

Old man: Really? Then I am glad to see you, my new son.

Old man: She is my daughter.

　

22. Just the Opposite

One warm summer morning before breakfast a rich gentleman was walking in the park near his house.

Suddenly he saw a man, who was sitting under a tree. The rich man never met this man before. The man was rather pale and poorly dressed.

When the rich gentleman approached him, the man rose and said, “Good morning, sir, a fine day, you come out rather early.”

“Yes, I did,” answered the rich man. “I came out to see if I can get an appetite for my breakfast. But what are you doing here at such an early hour?”

“You see, sir,” said the poor man, “I came out see if I can get a breakfast for my appetite.”

　

23. An Opposite Example

An aesthetics professor's grandson asked his grandfather. “Grandpa, why did you say that all the falses are ugly?”

“That's certainly true. Couldn't you give me an opposite example?”

“Oh, yes,” the grandson, climbing on his grandfather's knees, said proudly, “Look at yourself. When you put on your false teeth, you looked younger and lively; when you get off them, your mouth looked empty and shrivelled, that's really ugly. Isn't it an opposite example?”

The professor could find no answer.

　

24. At a Loss

Son: Papa, where were you born?

Father: New York, dear.

Son: where was Mamma born?

Father: In Los Angeles.

Son: Where was I born then?

Father: In Washington D.C. .

Son: It certainly is funny how we three people got together, isn't it?

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