英文笑话:Jerry Seinfeld

　　The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with？ Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on， buddy， let's go. You get past me， the guy in back of me， he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."

　　* What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat？ What are they thinking ―― "Gosh， if we have a party there may not be enough standing room； I'd better carpet the toilet too."

　　* Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say， "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs？" Who is that sign for？ Is it for the dog， or the blind person？

　　* Why do people give each other flowers？ To celebrate various important occasions， they're killing living creatures？ Why restrict it to plants？ "Sweetheart， let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

　　* Can't we just get rid of wine lists？ Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing？ Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu？

　　* Why do they call it a "building？" It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built？"

　　* Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies， and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows， and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station？

　　* How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires？ Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel？ Don't they rotate on their own？

　　* All the king's HORSES and all the king's men？ Are you kidding me？ No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do， anyway？

　　* Did you ever notice， when you are sitting at a red light， that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches， you are compelled to move up too？ Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination？ "Whew， I thought we would be late， but now that I am nine inches closer， I can stop for coffee and a Danish！"

　　* Isn't it weird that we drink milk， stuff designed to nourish baby cows？ How did THAT happen？ Did some cattleman once say， "Oh， man， I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."

　　* Did you see these new mini van ads？ All they talk about are cup holders， kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that？ When you see an ad for a suit， do they say， "And look at the zipper！ Carefully hidden， but easily accessible when you need it！" I think not.

　　* Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains， a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it， maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

　　* There's very little advice in men's magazines， because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think， "I know what I'm doing， just show me somebody naked."

　　Fabric Softener：

　　My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me （sniff）， 'Married！' （walk off）。 That's how they mark their territory！ You can take off that ring， but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

　　Morning Differences：

　　Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it！ We just wake up and we want you！ And the women are thinking， 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning？' It's because we can't see you！ We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve！

　　Mysteries of Women：

　　I'm out with my wife the other day. She says， 'My feet hurt.' I say， 'Well， why did you wear those shoes？' She says， 'I didn't know we were going to be walking！'…… Hello？ Keep up with evolution！ We're walking now！ Feel free to slither！ She was wearing high heels， that's why. They are the worst invention. Aren't they， ladies？ I've heard that women wear those shoes because they make your butt and your breasts stick out. Jeez. Why not just shove some shoes in your underwear， you'd be a lot more comfortable.

　　Pregnancy：

　　It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say， 'Oh my god！ He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it？' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on！ It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god！……give me your hand！……It won't be long now……" Grandma：

　　My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says， 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way， do you？ Out entering wet shawl contests！ Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday！

　　Prisons：

　　Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner？ Jeez， for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house！ I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. Award Shows：

　　Can you believe how many award shows they have now？ They have awards for commercials！ The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

　　Phone-in Polls：

　　You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues？ Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know"！ It costs 90 cents to call up and vote…… They're voting "I don't know！" "Honey， I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone." （Into phone） "I DON'T KNOW！" （hangs up， looking proud） "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you are not sure about！" This guy probably calls up phone sex girls at $2.95 a minute （into phone）"I'm not in the mood！"

　　Answering Machine：

　　Did you ever hear one of those corny， positive messages on someone's answering machine？ "Hi， It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love！' Leave a message after the beep." "Uh， yeah…… this is the VD clinic calling…… Speaking of being positive， your test is back. Stop sharing the love！"

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