英语的幽默快看哟

1Fine for Parking
Tell me again," asked the judge, "why you parked there?" The driver rose and answered respectfully(尊敬地), "Because, Your Honor, it said 'Fine for Parking'" (note: "fine" has two meanings 1) good 2) pay some money for doing something wrong.

2.Self-help
I went into a bookstore the other day and asked the woman behind the counter where the self-help section was. She said, "If I told you, that would defeat the whole purpose." (note: "self-help" has two meanings 1) you take without paying 2) you can choose as you like)

3.I Couldn't Digest So Many Apples
Doctor gravely(严肃地): "If you want to enjoy a long life, each time you feel like a drink. Eat an apple instead." Patient: "Sorry, I couldn't digest(消化） so many apples."

4.Is This a Question
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question? " A student wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer." The students received an "A" on the exam.

5.A Dollar Per Point
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

6.My Father's Ashes
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it. She walks back in. He says: "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray(烟灰缸)." (note: "ashes" has two meanings 1) a container for holding the burned cigarette. 2) a box for holding the burned dead body.)

7.I Drop my Weight From Skipping
Mr. Smith was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost 5 pounds." When Mr. Smith returned, he had lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Mr. Smith nodded. "I'll tell you 'though, I thought I was going to drop dead by the end of that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping! (note: "skip" has two meanings 1) jump 2) stop doing something)

8.Now We Run
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

9.Pig or Witch
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH(女巫)!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.

10.Man and Woman
Smart(精明的) man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb(愚蠢的) woman = pregnancy(怀孕)
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, empty the garbage, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman knows all about her children, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.


　To the top(回页首)

11.You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot(蠢货).
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority（超越权限）.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative(创造性).

When you take a stand（表态）, you're being bull-headed（固执）.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked(忽略) a rule of etiquette(礼貌), you're being rude.
When your boss skips(略过) a few rules, he's being original(独创的).

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping(拍马屁).
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative(合作).

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum(耍酒疯者).
When your boss does the same, he appreciated(欣赏) women.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.

To the top(回页首)

12.Love, Lust and Marriage
LOVE - When intercourse(性交) is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax(高潮).
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things to your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

13.Before and After You fall in love
BEFORE - You take my breath away
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating(窒息)

BEFORE - Twice a night
AFTER - Twice a month

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative(操纵的) egomaniac(极端自我)

BEFORE - Don't stop
AFTER - Don't start

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

BEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dream
AFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm(宿舍)

BEFORE - We agree on everything
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves(皱摺)
AFTER - I never said you were fat

BEFORE - Time stood still
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

14.You and Your Computer( 你和你的电脑）
It is time to reassess your relationship with your
computer when....（到了重新评价你和你的电脑的关系时候了当......)
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.(你早晨四点醒来去厕所，回卧室时去检查邮件。）
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. （当你关掉电脑时感到很遗憾，好象离开你的情人一样。）
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.（你决定再在大学呆一两年，只为的是用免费因特网。）
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.（你嘲笑用28.8比特调制解调的人）
5. You start using smiles :-) in your snail mail.(你在一般的信件中，开始用微笑符号 :-))
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when
using a word processor.com （当你做文字处理时，你不由自主地在句号后面打com)
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't
have a computer.(你不能和你母亲通信，因为她没有电脑。）
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel
really depressed.（当你发现信箱中没有“新邮件”时，你感到非常沮丧。）
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends
because they have nondescript screen name and you never
bothered to ask.（你不知道你三个最好朋友的性别，因为他们在屏幕上的名字难以辨认出，而你从不想问。）
10. You move into a new house and you decide to netscape
before you landscape.（你搬进新家，你决定先建网景再建风景。）

15.A Surprising Wedding Toast
"And finally, may the happy couple lie, steal and cheat. (Pause, then explains) May they lie in each other's arms, may they steal away for a blissful honeymoon, and may they cheat time to live as long as possible." (note: "lie" has two meanings "not tell true and spread one's body on something". "steal" has two meanings " get something from others unlawfully and go away secretly". "cheat" has two meaning "do something not in an honesty way and spend time idly.")

16.Learning Language is Important
Two mice sat in their hole watching Cat lurk(潜伏） outside. "I know how to make Cat go away," said the first mouse. "How?" the second mouse asked in surprise.
"Watch! Bow, wow!!!" barked the first mouse. Peering through their hole in the wall, they saw Cat running away in fear.
"Ah, see how important to learn another language!"

　To the top(回页首)

17.Some Humors Between Teachers and Students

1) TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

2) TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

3) TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

4) SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.

5) TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
ALFRED: I get up early.

6)TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

7)HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

8)TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

9)TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
JOHN: I hope you didn't either.

10)GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

11)MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

12)SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

13)TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER: What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

14) TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

15) HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent deseases caused by biting
insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.

16) TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

17) TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.

18) MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR : You said it was my lunch money.

19) TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
SASHA: A new bike.

20) TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.


21) TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.

22) TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

23) BOY: Isn't the principal(校长） a dummy!
GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?
BOY: No.
GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter.
BOY: And do you know who I am?
GIRL: No.
BOY: Thank goodness!

24)TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to keep yours.

Jokes from Kids

1)NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back-seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2)HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

3)OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

4)KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

5)MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

6)POLICE1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

7)POLICE 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

8)ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

9)DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

10)DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."

10)SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

11)BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

更多 英语笑话、英语小笑话、英文笑话、英语幽默小故事，请继续关注 英语作文大全