English Humor Part 3

Keep Feeding Him NickelsA mother saw her three-year-old son put a nickle in his mouth and swallowed it. She immediately picked him up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside.“Your son just swallowed a nickle and coughed up tow dimes!”“What shall I do?”Yelled back the father, “Keep feeding him nickels!”　The Same MotherBilly and his brother Davy were in the same class. The teacher asked them to write a composition: “My Mother”. Davy wrote one and Belly just copied it. The next day, the teacher asked Billy. “How is it that your composition is exactly the same with Davy's?”“We have the same mother, don't we?”　A Friend of the DuckAn American tourist was lunching in a restaurant in China whose speciality was duck. The waiter explained each dish as he brought it to the table: “This is the breast of the duck. This is the leg of the duck. This is the wing of the duck.Then came a dish that the American knew was chicken. He waited for an explanation. Silence. “Well,” he finally asked. “What's this?” “It's a friend of the duck.” said the waiter.　It's Not a PictureA middle-aged couple went to the gallery. The wife, who was nearsighted, stood before a big picture of a woman's image and cried out, “Dear me, how could a woman be so ugly?”“Don't be so fussy,” said the husband. “It's not a picture. It's a mirror!”　It's UnfairOnce there lived a man who was so lazy that no job was fit for him. In order to make a living he one day went to a neighbor of his for help. The neighbor advised him to be a cemetery caretaker as it was the easiest job one could find. The lazy man was delighted and soon became a cemetery caretaker. But to everybody's surprise he resigned his job three days after he got it. “It's unfair.” he said to the neighbor angrily. “In the cemetery all the others are lying still while I am the only one who has to stand.”　My Gift to the JudgeMan: Can you tell me which judge will hear my case? I want to send him some bottles of good wine.Lawyer: No, I can't. To tell you the truth, if you do so, you will break the law and will be sure to lose the case.Several weeks later, the lawyer heard that the man had won it. So he said to him in surprise.Man: Yes, of course. But I put my opponent's name on the card with the drink.　A Hundred Per CentPatient: Doctor, please tell me the truth. What are my chances to recover?Doctor: Just a hundred per cent! Statistics show that only nine out of ten die from the disease: Now nine of my patients have already died from it, you are the tenth!　Who Are They?A portrait painter was very much worried because no customers had ever come to him. A friend of his advised him to make a painting of himself and his wife and hang it outside his studio as an ad. The poor painter did so. The next day his father-in-law came to see him.“Who is that woman?” asked the old man as he saw the painter.“Don't you recognize your daughter?” replied the artist, feeling somewhat annoyed.“Hm,” said the father-in-law. “Then why have you painted her sitting together with that ugly stranger?”　I'm the Dead Donkey's FatherA traffic accident happened in a small town, and the place is crowded by many people.A man, who liked watching very much, came late. He could see nothing because he stood behind. Suddenly he had a good idea and then he cried. “Let me in, please. I'm his father!” The other people were surprised, and stepped back in order to let him in. When he entered in and saw clearly, he couldn't say a word: A DEAD DONKEY WAS LYING ON THE GROUND.　I Saw Father Get It OutWhen b boy was taking his father's dinner to the factory, he stopped for a minute to watch a workman cleaning a sewer.The boy said interestedly, “My mother dropped her gold watch down here yesterday.”The workman's eyes lit up. “Well, boy,” he said, pretending to be careless, “get along with you.”An hour later the boy came back. “Are you quite sure it was here that your mother lost her watch down?” asked the workman.“I am certain,” replied the boy with a cunning smile, “because I saw Father get it out with my own eyes.”　Cleaning KnivesMy daughter Laura and her classmates were baking a cake in cooking class one day. After about 35 minutes the teacher said, “Laura, would you check on the cake? Just put a knife in it, and if it comes out clean the cake is ready.”After about 10 minutes Laura came back. “What took you so long?” the teacher asked.“Well,” said Laura, “I stuck the knife in the cake and it came out so clean that I stuck all the other dirty knives in too.”　A Girl Not IncludedTom saw an advertisement in a newspaper for a beautiful, modern bicycle which cost ￡54. 99, so he went to the shop which had put the advertisement in and asked to see one of their wonderful bicycles.The shopkeeper was very happy to show one to Tom, who examined carefully and turned into the shop, saying, “There isn't a lamp on this bicycle, but there was one on the bicycle in your advertisement.“Yes, sir,” answered the shopkeeper, “but the lamp isn't included in the price of the bicycle. It's an extra.”“Not included in the price of the bicycle?” Tom said angrily. “But that's not honest. If the lamp is in the advertisement, it should have been included in the price you gave there.”“Well, sir,” answered the shopkeeper calmly, “there is a girl on the bicycle in our advertisement, but we don't supply one of them with the bicycle either.”　A Brave BoyJohnny was nine years old, and he was a very naughty boy, but his mother always hoped that he would behave better. Then one day, after he had come home from school, Johnny's teacher called his mother on the phone and said, “Did you know, Mrs. Perkins, that Johnny saved a boy when he fell into the river while we were out for a walk this morning?”Mr. Perkins was very happy when she heard this. She thought, “Johnny is becoming a good boy.” Then she turned to him and said, “That was your teacher. Why didn't you tell me you had been such a brave boy and saved one of your friends when he fell into the river this morning?”But Johnny did not look very happy when he heard this. His face became very red, and he said, “Well, I really had to pull him out because I pushed him in.”

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